Cafe Hitch-hike


Just want to be with how everything is right now

The Patio Lounge was a'buzzing with activity this past weekend. Ali's hubby had a fishing tournament over the weekend, so she spent a night at my place. She was at my former abode, The Cannabis Condo, and crashed on my sofa a few years ago. The problem was the only blanket I could spare was the dog blanket, so she got to snuggle with the aroma of warm dog (something she wasn't used to). But, I did much better this time. She got a fresh sheet to cover the sofa and also a clean blanket (without dog-scented dryer sheets as I joked back then).

We hung around the place, had a spaghetti dinner, and watched movies (but gabbed away like 14 year olds). We had coffee and watched animal shows in the morning, and then she left so I could get ready for visitor #2.

Visitor #2, Huck, is what I jokingly call an escapee from New York. He was lucky enough to work remotely and have some family nearby. When he told me what things were like in NYC, I didn't realize how much some places are seriously shut down. We pretty much could do whatever the fuck we wanted in May and June in Florida. We hung out for a bit last week, then I invited him over my place. We played rummy, sipped whiskey, and smoked a little greenery.

Huck and I always had a cerebral connection (though I always sensed he possessed a spark), but at some point over the weekend, we stepped into a different realm. For some reason, the Patio Lounge turned into the Patio Cocoon. Maybe it was loneliness or deprivation. Maybe we relaxed enough and opened up to each other enough for something to happen. Maybe we got more comfortable and enough of a mutual attraction came about to leap a little further into things. Whatever it was, a portal opened up to us, and we were in our own little world (and I was definitely correct about the spark part).

I quietly laughed to myself as I sipped my coffee and picked up in the bedroom. It all reminded me of the crazy-ass stories about the dates we went on or the nights we had when I was much younger. We didn't usually get graphic (though some did), but had some interesting chuckles about both what happened and the creative use of words to describe it.

I don't miss or long for those days much, but laughed a little when I realized this weekend with Huck qualified as a story. There's the walk of shame when someone leaves such a scene, and then the talk of shame when it's talked about with a confidante. Then, there's the thought of shame when the cleaning up takes place and we wonder, 'damn, what was that?'

Well, those things sometimes led to a one-time thing, friends with bennies-hood, or an item-hood. There's things I would love to see in my life or things to happen, but I guess I've seen enough to know that an energy either forms or it doesn't between people, and then things just go their own way from there. I didn't really have that understanding when I was younger and would get bummed out, ghost someone or be ghosted.

I also was fully aware that Huck could easily go back to New York, yet was comfortable on some level with that (maybe like, yeah, we can have our fun and he'll eventually be on his way, and I can go back to normal) yet also just plain open to other possibilities. Maybe he can be another one of the cool people I've known and loved, and we'll have a friend in the other person no matter where life takes us.

I just can't believe I've been able to get back in this part of the game of life these past few months. I actually hate dating and have been hesitant to do it. A part of me felt shut down for a long time (and regrettably, even with Rafa) and sometimes my vibe could make a man freeze in their tracks, but since the end of summer, that has not been the case.

I know I'm not 20 anymore, my body certainly doesn't feel like it, but it feels good to meet someone new and take it as far as it can go. Nothing needs to go back to how it used to be in the past, not my body, libido, eagerness, or what else is inside me. I just want to be with how everything is right now. I just want to be with what's in front of me, what I know and feel from life and experience, be open enough to the possibilities, and go with that the best I can.

I guess I'm a little dazed although I steadied myself as I picked up from the weekend of entertaining and little reminders of other people. In a way, I feel better because it's proof that my heart's also been able to breathe in ways it could not very easily for so long.

downwind | upstream