Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-03-03

Lived many lives within the one I've been living in

Huck feels very sad about the changes the pandemic wracked on his locale. Part of the reason he spent more time here was because the changes were chipping away at him. Things were closed or only availably on limited bases. He sees very few people out and about. Huck's an introvert and easily keeps to himself, but he said he never realized how much just plain seeing and walking by the same people throughout the week meant so much. He's jonesing for live shows (music, and so am I). He expressed worry that NYC was going to end.

I assured him it wouldn't. It would change, yes, but NYC would still go on. Also, the changes would be part of his life story and that he got to live through that.

Although I reassured him, I kind of had to wonder: what if we're in the time before we all pass? Gloomy, dismal thought, yes, but I couldn't help but wonder. The world's gone through so many famines, floods, and major natural and man-made disasters. London has burned multiple times and been bombed, but it goes on. I think Chicago also burned multiple times. I wasn't far from New Orleans when it had a dangerous storm, or the one in The Bahamas a couple of years ago. We can list all kinds of world cities or regions that undergone seriously traumatic events, however, they often continue.

My thoughts expressed earlier (is this the end?) came later. I usually don't think these types of thoughts. The Rapture or end of the earth has been predicted or claimed over and over again. Pundits and other observers have claimed the end of times since forever (hahaha, this didn't happen with the advent of nightly news, internet, or social media). Even when I studied Catholicism, they talked about the Book of Apocrypa (aka Revelations). We have our own special writings on the end of times. As I studied its context, I learned the apostles thought Christ would return very soon to that era. Well, it's been 2,000 years, ok, but the books were written with some understanding it would happen much sooner than 2 millennia. There's that, and every civilization and belief has an end of the world myth or story (weirdly, a lot of them are eerily similar).

I guess it was something as ridiculous as the Lost TV series that got me thinking this.
At the end, we learn the people on the island were having a grand dream they survived right before they died in the plane crash. They were subjected to all kinds of unexplainable things before they discovered they were dead and while they thought they were alive. With the bizarre things happening all over, things that trump objectivity, sanity or even the common good, what if we're in a dream and find out we're really dead?

Sorry to be thinking such dismal thoughts (it's the Moon in Scorpio, so hah). Maybe it's pandemic fatigue along with the unknown and the series of unfortunate events that seem to happen with more regularity.

What if it's all a grand dream? Damn, if it were...

...I wish I could clone myself so I could be with my family and friends in Austin, my friends in Holland and England, and in my home and in Huck's place in NYC. I wish I could be with all the people I love the most at the same time. We can be together, in a park or someplace nice, and eat, drink, be merry. I wish I'd have my own little deluxe cabin (hahaha) where I could have some space and private 'us' time, and then hop back onto the lawn, lake, or courtyard to be with the rest of my loved ones. That's really all.

...I guess I could smile that I went from being a plucky Latina girl from the midwest to the cheerfully adventurous, anxious woman I am now. I can fill my heart with the love I felt from others over the years and what I gave to them. I can smile at all the things I got to see and do, and hope I left most of what I interacted with in better shape (if not the same) than before we met. I'd cry for the beautiful places I got to see (Miami, Fulda, Nijmegen, etc.......) but glad I got to see them.

What if? What if...??

We had our big grand pubah resignation take place today. I feel quite sad for the GP although I disliked them; I guess it's out of empathy for them. But, I do know they recently got married and are relocating to where their spouse lives. I hope they are happy and find the contentment that seemed to elude them here.

This is probably one of the biggest unknowns of my career because my area was one that was under that GP's supervision. It's going to be so strange to go about with out their authority, blistering feedback, and disdain. The people who are left to manage in their place? I seriously wonder about them. They've been broken down for so long that I sure hope a seed of whatever hope someone had is spiraling through the soil, sprouts, and maybe can turn into something better. Gawd knows the GP's division had been extremely dysfunctional for at least 20 years.

I kind of snort about that... my ex-beau Prof. Felipe's division had also been quite the administrative freak show for long time. His department was considered one of the more toxic of that division, and I didn't know he had a prickly reputation (well, I knew he was a prick besides but thought it was different with his colleagues, but it wasn't). Although he was highly productive and quite good at what he did, no one missed him when he left. Every other year or so, a new grand pubah is put in charge of that division, and they now have a new one; the last one lasted a whole year. It seems like becoming a grand pubah is the kiss of death in my organization.

Maybe that's why I felt very unsure and wondering how much worse things can get... Organizational uncertainty?

I still think about that dream I had around Christmas 2019 where I was told by 2 people I was going to die. I also think about that little message I got in October 2018 on my way to handle my uncle's end of life matters:

Earlier this week, while my plane descended over some oil refineries outside of Houston, something whispered, ‘everything is going to change, and none of this will look the same.’

‘What,’ I asked, ‘Houston?’

‘Everything,’ it replied, and closed with a puckish but knowing smile.

Sometimes I feel like I've died and lived many lives within the one I've been living in. Maybe everything or the world is not going to end, but one of the lives within the one I'm in will be. Maybe?

downwind | upstream