Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-03-18

So much can happen at once

When Huck was here, we dozed off on the sofa. I put my arms around him and he immediately got-- excited. He stirred and turned to me with a smile that also turned into a signal.

"I just wanted to hold you. It doesn't always need to lead to sex." I then joked, "after all, I don't want you to think I'm just using you for your body."

"Oh, use me," he sleepily grinned, "please."

My friend CO the German, who I visited in London before the pandemic, will soon be having a major surgery. He was not given an exact date, but thinks it may be March 22 from what he was able to tease out of a conversation he overheard between his doctors. His urinary system is in very bad shape, and he needs a stent and some other work done. It's related to his prostate cancer; his PSA levels have been increasing for the past 6 months. He has been peeing through a catheter and into a bag until the surgery. I'm also concerned because he said lately, he has been forcing himself to eat.

Meanwhile, his oncologist wanted him to go for an additional round of chemotherapy but decided against it because the urinary stuff needed to happen first.

If the surgery doesn't go well, he would either need a kidney transplant or-- take his bow for the final curtain call.

It makes me think of my sis Rosepetal who had her blood clotting issue around the holidays in 2016, and again after she had her last child in 2018. She was in ICU for at least 2 days each time. It was scary to think that my youngest sis who's 13 years younger than me could really go. During the first time, my former beau Rafael and I visited the St. Louis Cathedral in New Orleans and on the way to Texas. I hit the gift shop right when its scowling shop keeper was closing it.

"I just wanted to get a votive." I felt my eyes burn. "It's for my sister."

The shop keeper kept her scowl but quickly and quietly handed me a votive. I didn't have to pay for it. I sat in the cool church, lit the candle, and was in deep prayer for what felt like a long time. Rosepetal came through, but there was something abjectly humbling about being in that state of suspension and being so powerless to do anything.

I feel that way now with CO although he's in a much bigger state of suspense than I ever could be. He has fought cancer for so long, and in a way, this brings back recollections of Remy's last couple of months, which ended after a 10-day stay in the hospital where I had visited him in his previous round of chemo.

I remember that after a certain point, it all just spilled for Remy. The cancer got extremely aggressive and nothing could be done. He was not alone at the end; his father, best friend, and even Jesse and Cricket* were with him (C* was my former co-worker who introduced us).

We don't know what will happen with CO. For all we know, he could live for another 5 years. Maybe I can visit him after I manage to get vaccinated and the travel restrictions are relaxed. Maybe? We don't know.

It all adds up, I guess. These things happen more frequently as one gets older. I also suppose it's because I belong to a large family and have an interesting network of friends and associates.

A few of my friends are also taking care of elderly parents, or have to look after the care they receive. Not one friend, but multiple ones and all within the present (this includes Huck). Of course, they are super stressed.

It just stuns me to think that so much can happen once, whether it's to a person or within a moment in time.

I was too awake to sleep, but now I think I can rest. I had to think about dozing off on the sofa with Huck to soothe myself, but also had to say something about my friend CO to try sit with those unknowns. It will take a lot of energy to manage all of this, and to give some to those who need it.

Spring is around the corner, a signal for new life. Well, we can use it since we've now completed Year One of this pandemic pandemonium. Things pass, but things always regenerate in some shape for form. Maybe that's the thought to hold onto during this time.

downwind | upstream