Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-03-20

The theories I've been going with

When living in cooler climes, I got excited as the weather got warmer. There was less snow and the days where inching towards being longer. I watched the snow gradually melt, and often waited for flower stems to sprout; daffodils were usually the first and sometimes tulips appeared. Seeing those green stalks perk through the thinning snow was so very assuring that the deep freeze would end soon.

Lilacs... those things were everywhere. Those usually bloomed in late April or May if the winter wasn't too long. The scent of lilacs trigged a blissful delirium. I later learned lilac shrubs were always planted next to the outhouses to hide the smell. That use became obsolete, and was my signal that the creeks and lakes would soon be warm enough to wade and eventually swim in.

Here's to a joyful vernal equinox!

Meanwhile, I sit on the lannai (hahah) of The Patio Lounge, sipping chilled Pero with honey and cinnamon. I'm also sipping in the temperate weather before Mother Nature turns the thermostat to the steambath and kiln settings. Well, I do like summers down here with the fewer tourists and snowbirds although that won't be the same much longer. Real estate is taking off because of the pandemic, and our major roads are adding lanes and toll roads to handle the traffic.

Something happened and I'm not sure what it means. One theory is an alien took over Timmy's body which is now its host. Another is an angel came to him and said he would win the three billion dollar PowerBall if he successfully wooed me. The theories I've been going with is he's got an angle somewhere, or he'll lose interest in me the second I start to genuinely feel attachment and have the inclination to date only him.

'Gee, he's had a lot of changes in his life,' I wonder. 'What if it's changed his feelings towards me?' I roll my eyes, shake my head, and don't entertain that any further. It goes against everything I've known about him.

Timmy got back in touch in December and either I'd talk to him or duck out. That depended on whether or not I was up to having noncommittal sex followed by not hearing from him for a spell (varying from weeks to months), or if I didn't think I was going to get irritated. I treated him as casually as he always treated me, and even went so far to have some fun with him in January. I started dating Huck very soon after that. I didn't answer T's calls or texts because I was occupied and told him I was seeing someone else.

Maybe that was it. Around the time I met T in 2011, a former beau wanted to reconnect. Nothing gets some people going like a rivalry. I picked the ex- because I had feelings for him, and then Timmy kept in loose touch. I groan when I think about the history repeating itself 10 years later.

Timmy and I dated nonexclusively for almost a year and it ended soon after I bought my house. Within that year, he got in touch because he lost the job he had for almost 30 years, and then started a new job with serious cat fights, had 2 car-related accidents, and needed major shoulder surgery. He was having a crummy year, true, but he was just as flaky as I had always known him and I just got fed up with him. I pretty much did my own thing and could never count on him to commit to a damn thing, not even to plan on a dinner or show up for something we planned. We didn't celebrate my promotion (which was a big deal), and God forbid whenever I got affectionate or wanted to feel closer to him.

After that crap ended, I felt much better. I did some cool work to my house, traveled an awful lot, rekindled things with Rafael, and got a new job. Maybe Timmy was someone I could push off so I could go further with where I wanted to go with my life; maybe I wouldn't had been so motivated to do things without his presence in my life. It's like he made me angry or annoyed enough to make the changes I wanted to see and maybe wouldn't had done otherwise.

Now what? I've known him to be a certain way since we met and I still can't believe he wants to do things together and wants to be in touch more often. I've always been assured he'd move on, which I counted on when Huck and I started dating, but it hadn't been the case this time.

Now Timmy's talking stuff and it's so hard to believe him. Besides the annoyances, we have an interesting way of interacting with each other. We are very different but we've always connected in a mutually intelligible and easily understandable way, and are usually open about all kinds of things. I know he sees me as a cool and clever girl who'd always give him perspective (and usually a hard-on). These things I know for sure. The rest is making me scratch my head because it's hard to believe. That's why I'm wondering about aliens and angel messages.

Calling or texting almost every day. Taking me to a Latin family steakhouse (which I loved). Introducing me to his boys ('friends,' hahaha). Opening doors for me. Rousing and having fun with my dog. I enjoy some of this, so how long will that last? A cynical part of me says as long as Huck stays in the picture.

Then, there's Huck. This distance thing wears on me. His job is stressful and it goes into overdrive in the spring. Sometimes he's attentive and sometimes there's nothing, and sometimes he's oblivious. I do know that while we've had a whirlwind romance in February, he was also very lonely and had the usual trappings of someone who spent way too much time in this head. It almost seems like I have more love and happiness in my life than he usually has. I just don't like how things seem to move, stop, move forward a bit more, then stop again.

I don't know what to make of it quite yet. It's partly a case of trusting T, but when will he slide back into being the jerk he was when we dated? Also, if my heart's not in it or don't want to hear much more, that says a lot. Then, it's hard to do a long distance thing with something that was so new and when there's not a lot of volume in the interactions.

The guy I picked over Timmy 10 years ago broke my heart, and T. didn't turn out to be such a great catch 7 years later. Another possibility is not to think of it as picking one over the other, or think of it again as really thinking about what it is I really am after.

downwind | upstream