Cafe Hitch-hike


Chapter 3: In the hotseat

Chapter 3: The Return.

One of us wanted to go out but then wanted to stay in and cuddle. The other was hungry and wanted to cook, but the other wanted to order delivery but couldn't decide what to eat. Somehow, we managed to randomly pick one and went with that.

Affection almost always leads to that, even when I only want to hold him.

Then, we sit on the patio and talk about anything and just about everything. Sometimes it's serious brainiac stuff (his department, mostly) and then sometimes I'm telling him something funny and ridiculous (my department, mostly).

I slept shallow and restlessly the nights he slept over and I roasted in my own skin. My body was tired but my mind was very wide awake. I was slightly dizzy when I woke up and didn't realize I felt burning up like a furnace. Huck inched away from me when I turned to him and murmured something to that extent.

I know what it is. It's working its way throughout my body and mind. I wonder if my cycle will change. I noticed bits of his scent on me even when he wasn't around. We seem more attuned to each other, and even when we walk or move closely; a rhythm or a beat formed. We have a degree of synching despite the distance.

I'm getting that sense of being drop kicked into the driver's seat of a Formula One vehicle, whipping around tight curves at high speeds. There I am, with this rumbling wheel in my hands and velocity surrounding me, and I'm wondering if I can manage to keep the damn thing on the road because it feels overpowering.

It's felt the same when it happened in the past. It seemed like fun at first, then I find myself dunked into the hotseat and then comes this ride. I want to change my mind, but something keeps me put. I'm kind of terrified, where will I spin out? When will I get thrown out of the vehicle? What bones will I break? Oh, sure, I can don some Jedi mindset and be guided by the force, but that doesn't seem well matched to this other force. However, something tells me to stay put. There's something to be seen, even with crashes, burns, or injuries. I come out of this changed, and I guess it's so scary because I'm not sure how I will change and what I'd have to let go. There's always something to shed, but I do manage to walk (or stagger) out of the vehicle after the ride, and I'm never the same as when I got in.

It's been a return, all right, and not just with Huck coming back. This was what I wanted so badly yet was so terrified of happening at the same time.

But I don't want to walk away from it. I sure hope he doesn't (though that's something I have very little control over).

All the times this happened to me in the past, I had only myself to carry away and go through life. In a way, it was good because although there was pain, it got me absolutely ready for the next phase or part of my life. It's just the painful part is the hardest and it seems to take forever to get through.

I don't walk away. I stay in the seat, let the vehicle coast while I attempt to steer, and pray I can handle the ride and what comes after.

downwind | upstream