Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-04-06

What if everything actually turns out ok?

I'm sitting where Huck usually parks himself on my patio. He likes the spot next to the fountain, the tall ginger floor plant and the ever flowing golden pathos that hangs from the ceiling. The floor box that houses the ginger had enough space for a peppermint potted plant, so I squeezed it in. I didn't realize it makes the spot smell pretty! Marley likes to drink out of the fountain, and I had to stop her from licking the peppermint (which was why I put it in the box, so she couldn't get it). The patio certainly has something for everyone!

Oh, my, was the week with Huck soooo lovely. It was a beautiful dream, like morphine (hahaha). We headed to a garden that had an art exhibit, and they had a band play. We grabbed a drink and sat at a table (nixing the rest of the garden) because Huck got a lot out of watching the band set up and tune their equipment. A couple wanted to borrow the chairs, but instead, I invited them to sit with us and they were good company. They invited us to go out for dinner and a show when Huck returns.

I guess we do look together, and people talk to us a lot when we're out and about.

The talks continued with more glimpses into each other's worlds. It's like we have the inquisitiveness of when we were much younger with the experience of middle age at the same time. I made the observation that one us of has done what the other has not, and yeah, we got proof of that in the convos. Huck stayed an extra night, and we spent it dozing off in each other's arms on the sofa.

He left his sweater on my chair. I savored it, donned it, captioned a picture I sent him: MINE NOW, HAAAAH! I can smell the dust of books, incense from his brother's place, hints of Bvlgari Man cologne with Parliament cigarette, and his own scent (ooh lala, hahaha)! I noticed a little burn (or hole) near the belly. The sweater definitely had some mileage before ending up in my place.

I'll be getting my first vaccine tomorrow (I was lucky enough to score one through the county scheduling website). We thought once I get vaccinated, I could make a visit to Brooklyn... that ought to be interesting! I have a feeling he may be here sooner since his mother didn't sound like she was doing so well (she is in assisted living).

Oh, my (again) and what a daze. I'm so glad he's in my life, even if he lives in NYC. The love and companionship makes it worth it. It makes me feel so much more like myself for the first time during this bizarre year.

Seeing my family last October also made me feel so much better. I've met people here and there since then, and some old acquaintances got back in touch. All of these things helped. Although there was some isolation from March through September, I was so glad I actually got to meet new people and even cultivate a sense of adventure that I thought was in top secret lockdown somewhere inside me. I didn't realize how much it all of that soothed and relieved me until now. With Huck, it actually feels complete. I almost feel like I'm my version of normal.

I'm definitely relating to people much differently than I did before the pandemic. I feel so much less anxiety; I hope this is something that lasts. Less anxiety? Yeah, maybe it's because everyone was too busy thinking about survival, necessities, health and death and much less about competition or judging one another. I was greeted very warmly by 2 people at work who were very indifferent towards me in the past.

I am looking forward to seeing everyone again in May (and sadly, during the upcoming trial). Someone suggested we may need to brace ourselves for that one because the trial will present evidence that might set people off. However, since it is my family, I'm sure we'll manage to have quite the gathering in a memorial celebration of sorts.

Before the pandemic, I wasn't sure what to do with my career. I thought of getting more credentials but balked. I hated my grand pubah, the toxic dynamic of my building, and the futility of my profession. I felt like any chance was too big of a gamble if not pointless. It was hard to move in that state. In the year before the plague, I inherited a wee bit of change, bought a little place, and then took some cool trips hoping to regain-- myself, a sense of self-love, a sense of adventure that my driven and emotionally dry existence drained out of me. Then came the death of my niece followed by the pandemic... and a new damn position in the same damn building and same damn profession.

I guess I'm lumping work with personal matters because both were revitalized. The hated GP left. The dynamic of my building changed immensely. I still roll my eyes at my larger profession, but I have much more belief in what I'm doing now than what I was before. I'm secretly happy about some of the things the pandemic changed or took away, if not relieved. My friend Alan said he hoped the pandemic would make people more loving and kind, and I agreed. I actually feel more lovingkindness in my life now; this is one of the few times in it where I did.

In the back of my mind, I wonder when I'm going to wake up from all of this, but a part of me shrugs. I really can't say I've seen a time quite like this in my life, even without a pandemic. If I haven't seen it before, then nobody knows. I can't predict it. There's possibilities, but that's all they are, possibilities.

It's like what I told myself when I was remembering happier times during the pandemic lockdowns. I embraced the wonderful times to carry me through, and I now tell myself to record these times in my head for down the road. And what if everything actually turns out ok?

P.S. Wow, Just wow:

So I work remotely. I'm doing plenty because I have a lot of continuing education to do for my now somewhat new position... Ideally, once we get back (most likely in early May unless things change), I'll be ready to rock and roll (once the dust settles and everyone gets their bearings).

I wrote this on 2020-03-27

downwind | upstream