Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-04-16

What's the score?

I planned on visiting Huck after I got my second immunization, but he beat me to it. I figured he might, and so he'll be down here instead.

I also made plans to head to Texas for a week or so. We will be mostly likely working remotely through mid-August, so I thought I'd take advantage of the time to have a working vacation. I'll probably drive along the Gulf Coast and stop for a night, and then spend the rest of the day heading to Austin. I'll crash at one of my friend's place, work remotely, and catch up with people. That's the plan, anyhow.

Still no word about a date for the court case regarding my niece's homicide. When I checked the county records, the suspect in the case was arrested a month before her death for stealing a car and was released until his court date. He had turned 19 when my niece was killed, already had a record, and also a lengthy juvenile record from what I hear.


Well, well, my mood definitely took the crash this week. I partied an awful lot the past weekend, and did on one of the days after Huck left. I reckon I can't drink much because I felt it for the next 2 days (and then add a COVID vaccine).

It's like a sense of courage is really trying hard to poke against a sense of futility about what's happening around us. Huck shared some of my thoughts about racial tensions in his school at their follow-up meeting; one student group thought another was getting all the priority. He said the points gave them pause: Divide and conquer is a way oppressors work (that is, encourage the students to support each other's causes). Students want the grown-ups to console them, side with them, and make it better. You mean teens want assurances like little ones who had a bad dream? Fancy that, and they often do, and want to know it's there so they can get it when they're comfortable. He said the follow-up meeting began with the bad vibes of the previous one, but the tension was considerably less at the end. At least I have signs courage is making strides.

Maybe part of all of this is I miss him so much and can't stand the distance. We always manage to reach one another when one of us is thinking of the other; it does mean something, but it's not the same as unmediated contact, touch, or chances for him to leave stuff at my place.

Yeah, I felt this sense of futility about my own job to a degree. We fielded some interesting questions from people outside our building on a topic that sort of was in my area but was asked to colleagues outside of it... The colleagues didn't even try to answer and conveniently bounced the to me, and I answered it. The people with the questions seemed very appreciative.

Fancy that as well: I got my public service skills from training I got at a local restaurant when I was 17. I have to admit it was good because it stressed that if I can't do something, give possibilities. Who wouldda thunk I'd use that 30 years later but in higher ed? Futility: 0, Courage: 2.

Well, I signed up for the day of service for the University of the Rust Belt State alumni club. I've been doing it for a few years, and it's always a happy thing. Even Rafael joined me one year and he liked it so much that he started doing this for his uni. alumni club. This event was cancelled last year because of the pandemic. This year, it will be virtual where I'll be working on making maps for disaster relief preparations. I'm quite intrigued. I've done service work (and not for court, hahah), and I always learned something or felt better with giving back, even when it was just making sandwiches for a local homeless service center. Futility: 0, Courage: 3.


My mentor and I had a tough talk on some things, and something came out. It wasn't necessarily trauma, but a sentiment from deep within and maybe something I've felt for a long time. It made me see more clearly why, as a kid attending Catholic catechism classes, I was drawn to St. Francis and picked him to be my favorite saint when I was 8 years old. (Side note: my experience with the church was quite joyful and I belonged to a socially progressive parish; I wished it could had been different for others and think victims of abuse deserve full justice and comfort). The prayer that some priests wrote with his teachings in mind really drew me, and yes, comforted me.

The next thing I couldn't help but ask myself was if it was childish and immature to want the world to be a more humane, caring, and loving place? Do I just need to grow the fuck up, face reality, and that the world isn't gonna bend to my wishes (gee, and accept the barbarism around us as completely normal)?

I'd rather not write more about it here. I'm a peacemaker deep within, or a delusional person who needs to get with the program. Is it Futility: x+0 or Courage: x+3?

Then I think of my friend Alan who accompanied his daughter to start college where she was studying peacekeeping. He was so proud of her! I secretly think she is his favorite (adult) child, but I remember how he also believed in what she was doing. If only more people could have those things in them, but at least I know some who do.

downwind | upstream