Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-04-25

Energy

I live in Florida and our seasons are different. Summer season begins when the typical daily temperature is high-80s or more, the heat index inches into the 90s and higher, and it gets dark at 8:15 PM or so. We then have active hurricane season/ summer-lite in lieu of fall (mid-80s, and the days get shorter). Next is winter (mid-70s with occasional high and low dips, and no tropical storms). Spring is beautiful (mid-70s with heat index in 70s or low 80s, and the days slowly get longer).

Although Huck and I met during a cool snap last winter, I kept thinking summer was about to start. We spent some time in Miami Beach where it was summer through and through. We had a typical winter after that, but my brain was still convinced summer was coming the next day.

Well... it looks like nature granted these past 2 weeks of extra spring, and it was lovely. Now today (high: 90) and the days after means summer is here for sure. I found it amusing that I thought life turned into summer with Huck. I think I can refer to my reply to his question about love:

H: How do you know when it's love?

Me: Falling in love is very similar to being in a state of psychosis. Your head is in a different state and some things are exaggerated. I think that gradually fades but what keeps it going it to be able to see who someone really is, liking it, and fully accepting it. Some studies suggest the people who report being the most in love for along time were those who believed in some of what they exaggerated about their partner, but it coexisted with their knowing and accepting who they really were.

So one manifestation of Huck throwing me into a state of psychosis was I thought it was summer when we first met. Gee, I never told him that being with his like summer. Since he's a teacher and pretty much lives for summer, I'm sure he'd like to hear that!

It was another playful weekend. I have to laugh that my social and romantic life has gotten brisk during a pandemic. I got to hear a good local band play on Friday night and got to dance a bit, and the following day I had Timmy over for paella (it was strictly for company, and was quite nice). Today, there's not much to do but talk to my sister about some details about her case and get ready for tomorrow's interview.

I do get more tired quickly. I know that's a side effect I experience with cannabis, and then there's the issue of age. It makes me wonder how I feel is typical for my age, or if it's also a side effect of the long sprints I've had to take in my life (having 60+ hour workweeks, having jobs with rather physical labor, droughts in social life or dating, periods of lingering pains).

T. and I were talking about that last night. He was also complaining about his energy levels. He's almost 7 years older than me, and he's always taken excellent care of himself. We didn't chalk it up to age, but we admitted that the pandemic has slowed every one down...

...we aren't running all over the place like bats all over hell. We're staying closer to the essential places. We aren't spinning our wheels over this, that, or the other because everything else has slown down, and some things have stopped. We aren't physically moving because the gyms were closed and people weren't going places nearly as much. I thought that maybe we slowed down in our heads and told our bodies to slow down because... if we didn't we wouldn't be able to weather the pandemic and how it's slowed so much down. Our bodies slowed down so it would be bearable, or we'd be batshit crazy if we kept up that motion while sheltering in place or doing only essential travel.

We both sighed at that acknowledgement, and also because we don't want things to go back to that pace. We don't want to go all over the damn place. We don't want life to get back into that awful pace of life as a spin cycle. We are ok with how it is. Yes, we want to get back to going out and about, but it's like we savor the slower time so much more.

I noticed last week that I don't have all the nervous energy that I used to. I kind of don't miss it. The only thing I missed about it was it kept me much more physically active and I was 10 lbs. lighter. Tim said the extra weight wasn't a bad thing; he said there were times I didn't look like I was eating and it didn't look right (I was actually exercising a lot). That nervous energy was directed to mental anxieties and my anxiety about my appearance.

Huck and I perfected the leisurely weekend day. I can enjoy them in my own house like I never had before, even when he isn't present. I fully absorb the surroundings just as he had. Oh, he loves my place! The first time he walked in, I noticed his quiet yet comfortably deep and appreciative smile as he took in the place. It came out so quickly and unfiltered. As much as he likes to get out and about (we share having busy minds and physical energy), he is always content to relax at my house. I guess that's his contribution to the mien of my place.

I also think about the fast I took before last fall's psychedic retreat. I had a clean diet followed by an abstinence of external things (news, sex, cannabis), and I felt my energy change. It slowed down, but it wasn't bad. I didn't have an excess of it. I didn't realize how much energy I actually generated and then wasted because of too much of anything. It was odd to think that my body really didn't need all the stimulation I thought it needed to live and even to feel all right. I wondered what would happen if many more people also had that realization: well, if I had less of _____ it may slow me down but then I won't have all this energy to waste on things that really don't add much anyway.

Maybe that's why I'm savoring the lower volume of energy. Maybe I realized I was considerably happier with less of it. That, and directing it to things that were much more likely to have a good return.

downwind | upstream