Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-05-06

Smoke and mirrors

I sure hope what happened there doesn't influence other things I started at the time.

All I know is I thought I met someone who seemed kind and wanted my love and friendship. I thought I was safe, or at least something about the whole thing made me feel open and receptive. But, we always take the chance. There are no guarantees in love, and everyone's played the fool. I sure did.

I knew there were some strikes against what I had with Huck, but I kept an open heart and mind, and went on. A path appeared, it seemed like one I'd be interested in following, and so I did. I didn't seem to be taking bets I couldn't afford.

It was sweet, warm, and loving. I knew the distance would cause some strain, but I was willing to see where it would take us. As time went on, I saw Huck's life was intensely stressful and that concerned me. He told me more about his life in Brooklyn, and I gradually saw there was so much more. It wasn't just his career but other very complicated things attached to him that took up a lot of his energy.

I once made a joke before we met that people in his region lived frantic and unhappy lives; they often move down here and I quipped they infect us with that affliction. I didn't know how right that observation would be. I noticed he was often drunk when we talked, and he was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with my wanting to talk more while apart. I've had long-distance relationships before, and technology like phones and web conferencing were frequently used. Huck was comfortable with texting and an average of 1 1/2 mostly abrupt phone calls each week.

However, I noticed he was evasive, even from the beginning. He couldn't tell me something, it had to kind of pop up and I was left with that. These things just kept adding up.

In my counter-intelligence that I recently pursued (hell yes I check up on men I date), something unexpected popped up. I found out he has 2 young sons. He never, ever mentioned them and I found that to be strange if not disturbing. Why would he hide that, or worse, how can a father not mention his children? I also found out he had a type; his ex-wife had similar features as mine except she looked short. She was an artist and one of her works was a painting of a maze. The title of the work was something like 'looking at life before ending my marriage,' and it was made around the time they got divorced. When I went back to review the image, I noticed the maze had only one way in and out, and the path didn't go far into the maze at all. It reminded me of an apartment layout with only an opening that stopped in its foyer. There were all these paths and rooms, but they were blocked off and unconnected to a way in or out.

I guess it was a sweet romance alright, one with a very evasive man with an equally complicated life that seemed to possess little joy. If it's any consolation, perhaps what we had provided a glimmer in what seemed to be his dark life, and a resemblance of what I wished to have in mine.

I am just so crushed. I can't carry it on this way. The physical distance is one thing, but the reality is there is no room for me or for us in his life and he won't make it. Huck cannot make the space because there's too much going on outside, there's even more in his head, and he either is clueless or unable to make things different. I don't know if it's on purpose. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe through us, he found a temporary escape, a way out that he found in our sweet times together. I'm sure those were real, at least when they were between us. They were real, but there was no way it would fit into his ongoing life, and there was no way I could keep going and gripping on what wasn't or couldn't become tangible.

I don't blame my friend, but I tossed my hat back into the dating ring after she observed that I wasn't even trying to date or meet people. I was quite angry at what she had to say and so did it, thinking 'here goes nothing' and just to say I tried. Huck was one of the first people I met, and I wished I wasn't right about the 'nothing' part. It was also that week where I decided to look for other work. I got angry at some news and I decided to apply for other jobs. Well, well, I had an interview which went well and I felt hopeful. I sure hope it's not another slippery or evasive thing. I hope it's real and has true potential, I hope it was represented truthfully and that any of my snarky estimates aren't true. I guess I was full of piss and vinegar that week and reacted, and got some responses. I just hope the 2 things that started around the same time aren't based on complete delusion on my part and illusion on theirs.

Well, well... and lately I was cleaning up my act. I blew the dust off some projects I really wanted to finish and am making headway. I'm looking at getting gym membership to shed the 10 pounds I gained in the pandemic year and got some new swim gear because I want to start lap swimming again. I actually hadn't drank much at all these past 3 weeks and smoked very little cannabis; I wasn't even inclined to renew my medical license. Why? Neither were making me feel good at all, I felt worse. Maybe these things made it more possible for me to step through the smoke and see my way through the mirrors that this relationship really was.

downwind | upstream