Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-06-04

I still feel it

I must admit there's been quite a lot of people I've met through work who are very intelligent and beautiful. I don't mean supermodel or GQ-beautiful, or even people I aspire to date. It's a combination of how they look and what's inside. I've seen this in people over the years. I see their work or them present, I liked what they did, and I'm sometimes a bit dazzled. I've girl-crushed at least half a dozen people, and yeah, there's males, too.

I attended a forum earlier last month and got to hear an attorney speak. I loved her work and that she lived in Brooklyn; maybe she was Huck's neighbor or knew him from school or temple. I requested to connect with her, and she accepted and followed me back. I almost felt giddy, like a younger kid excited that a bigger kid thinks she's cool. It sounds silly, but... I guess it adds flavor to what can otherwise be dry work.

I've been working with Bella in another unit. She's younger than me by 10 years or so, and it's always been a pleasure to work with her. She's another person of color (one of 3 in her large division), and it's like we quietly stood together and had each other's backs. She notified me today that she was leaving our institution at the end of the month, and I felt really bad. She's an excellent writer and we've had interactions that were professional and yet laced with some girlish fun.

Then, another lady I've gotten to know and whose work I admired is leaving for a top institution. I was very happy for her, but I felt a little sad. Two departures announced today? What a drag.

I facilitated a meeting of a group today, and it came out that 3 people in our building will be retiring between December 2021 through April 2022. It made me think about the job I interviewed for (long 6 weeks ago).

Six weeks? I figured everyone's clueless about budgets, what they can spend, and if they can hire until the fiscal year begins in July. I wasn't sure if I should expect another robo-email that thanked me for my interest and to keep trying; I've applied to them for-- 5 positions in the past 10 years. But, what if I become a part of the institution's and building's mass defections? I heard that almost 15% of our institution retired, or resigned and moved on this past year.

I don't know. Whatever the case may be, if I do get an offer, I hope it's after Mercury Retrograde (hahaah). It's hard to say.

I have tentative plans in place if I do get the other job. Then, the quote from an old friend pops into my head: 'what God says, goes!' Leave it to me to make all these plans, and something unexpected (and maybe terrible or maybe wonderful) happens. One never knows.

I was asked out for coffee by a perfectly eligible person and I went. I was friendly, chatted, and was glad to to be in their company, but not much else moved in me. A part of me felt bad for the guy though I wasn't obligated.

I felt that way because I realized I wasn't ready to date yet. I also didn't realize that I was left with something. My last relationship that brought out things in me I hadn't felt in such a long time (good things), and they're still there although Huck's not around.

I fell for someone pretty hard when I was 27, and when that ended, I was terrified that I'd never feel that way again. I felt that it would only be possible with him. Fortunately, life showed me otherwise. I fell in love again along with the other feelings that went with it. This time, 20 years later, I told my mentor that I felt that all of this would happen again someday, but better yet, I still feel it. I feel bad that Huck and I aren't (our version of) together, but I still feel the love that was between us. I still feel what the relationship brought out from within, and best of all, I'm not terrified that I'll never feel it again. If anything, I feel like I got something I can take with me wherever I may go. At least that's what I'm feeling so far.

In the meantime, Huck and I had some very haphazard exchanges. He was drunk in the last one, expressed that he missed me, and then was really passive-aggressive in some other things he said. I said I missed him too, but wished we didn't have the physical distance and complications. Maybe that put the kebosh on the moment or on interactions for the time being (which may not be a bad thing for now), but I suppose transitioning to 'friends' won't happen smoothly for multiple reasons.

That's fine, it all adds up to me seeing that I'm regrouping. I suppose I can take as long as I like and to focus on what's in my present life. My only hope is that I can embrace what I found, and to go forward with it wherever life may take me.

downwind | upstream