Cafe Hitch-hike


To all the people I've loved for little and longer whiles.

When we decided to see each other, Huck and I had a brief talk about seeing other people. He said he would not, and he told me to just do what makes me happy. He implied that he didn't want to know if I did see others. I told him I didn't care he saw others once in a while if it didn't get regular or serious, and to use protection. I knew he saw his ex-girlfriend on occasion (and to what extent, I didn't know), and he figured I had someone else floating around. On one hand, it seemed almost reasonable because we were far from each other, but on the other hand, it also hurt the relationship. I don't think we fully trusted each other, maybe it led him not to give much to it after a point, and yet we also didn't want to be completely alone when we were apart. But, simply put, we just couldn't have our cake and eat it too.

I had a feeling Timmy would back off the moment things were done between me and Huck. I never took his bids for affection seriously because in the past, he always backed off when I showed interested, and then came back when I withdrew mine or saw others. I also expressed that I was not at all comfortable with him beyond a certain point. We haven't been talking much at all since then. We did, however, chat this morning and he complained about the world of dating and relationships. I just shrugged. I just was tired of that repetitive cycle between us that we never could seem to change.

I guess it is a dating truism to assume anyone I'm interested in is dating, talking to, or doing at least one other person. Everyone checks their options, connections between the multiple people vary from very close to very loose, and things go awry when 2 people decide to be exclusive because of the connections they have with other people. The people they think were casual then declare undying love or other complications pop up. I'm also guilty of the same actions. Since the relationship with Rafael and I ended last July, I've dated or seen multiple people at different times, or no one at all.

I find it so funny that people get pissed at others who do the same thing they do. They don't feel good about committing to someone who does that although they're doing the same thing.

It's not my preferred way of doing things at all. It's hard to trust others. On the flip side, I've done this enough to know that when something forms between 2 people, they gravitate to each other and the less significant connections eventually drop. This has happened quite a few times in my life. Sometimes there is enough of an opening for 2 people to see into each other and a gravity forms that pulls them together, but that seems to happen less frequently nowadays.

I get confused about relationships. If I show too much interest, I come across as too needy. If I give someone space, they I'm aloof or uninterested. If I show myself as being sexually open, I'm a slut or the relationship becomes all about sex. If I take my time with sex or intimacy, then I'm cold or show no interest. When I see only one person, the person I date may be distant or they see multiple people and wants to keep it that way. If I see multiple people, the person I date doesn't trust me. There's always the issue of the double standard. Some people can do whatever they want, but others absolutely cannot.

Then, I fall for someone without expecting it, and they're completely the wrong person. Some would say maybe I needed to meet that very wrong person so I could see into myself better and see what I need to fix or heal within myself. Yeah, I'd say most of my most intense better-myself projects came about after another relationship demise. I feel awful because a relationship ended, then I go and dredge my soul and make myself feel worse so I can figure out what to fix and how to feel less bad.

Maybe I should make it my goal for this end-of-relationship to not fix squat about myself.

Well, I do have to laugh because what usually does happen is I get a pingback from the universe, a pingback or 2 assuring me not to lose faith. I have an amazing time with someone for a little while to get me back on my feet and go staggering forward. This happened after a contentious break-up when I was in college. I was in a short relationship that made me feel pretty insecure. About 3 weeks later, I was asked out by a worker at a textbook store and our date assured me I had zero reason to feel insecure. I felt much better, met College John about 2 months later, and we started dating 4 months later. So hah, sometimes I get a little self-correcting action or event that leads to something else.

I chat or talk with Oteil from Miami, but I have no interest in him beyond being in touch for the same reasons I have for Timmy. We both were seeing others when we stopped talking in 2016, except he had a girlfriend and he stopped talking to me after he and his girlfriend ran into me and Remy. I knew he had one, and he knew about Remy. We talked to each other a day or 2 before the run-in, but what got me was OT dropped me on social media quickly after that; I guess he didn't want his GF to know he was talking to me? He never explained. So, I like talking to OT but it's like Timmy; I kind of lost interest beyond a certain point and it didn't seem to want to come back.

Did my generation or the ones afterward totally fuck up dating and courtship and render it into a sadistic game of chance? Hah. The reason I jumped back into the dating pool in January was my friend complained to me that I wasn't even trying. She was correct, I wasn't trying at all, so I jumped in and got Huck. My friend's whole point was I had to start trying. I've come to the conclusion that dating in midlife is like sifting through a jumble or rummage sale. I guess I have to try, try again like everyone else.

Maybe there is some wisdom in having multiple friends I like and date lightly, and go about having my own life. It's so much less twisted and complicated that way, and at least just about everything is out in the open. I'll meet someone that grabs my heart once in a while but pray it's not a complete delusion or illusion, or it has a longer expiration date.

My friend who complained to me thinks it's worth it just to try. As for me, I just sigh and try not to pull my hair out of my head. I think I'll take a break from dating because I'll be on the road a lot for the next month, and I still gotta see about that other job.

Guess I'll be singing this song when I get old to all the people I've loved for little and longer whiles...

downwind | upstream