Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-06-27

Something beautiful that can carry them through

I said that my energy kind of down-shifted when I arrived in Michigan, but it wasn't bad at all.

I drove around a bit and saw what little changed and a lot of how things stayed the same, and that also wasn't bad at all.

I didn't just run away. I simply needed more room to roam and explore. I would had never seen or done what I had if I stayed in the area. Ok, so I did run away from the bad family reputation (and the very real things that caused that), but I was able to find myself better than I would had.

I also guess I ran away because I wanted to find a home, some place that would accept who I am and what I brought. A place where I wouldn't have to change myself so much so I could fit in. I found this in my current profession. Also, the chosen family I met along my hitch-hiking through life also brought me a bit of that. I do like the stimulation of travel, meeting new people and seeing new things, but... part of it was I was trying to find myself and a home.

The hometown was home, but it's not anymore. I moved on, and not because I disavowed it. I saw it as a young bride leaving where she was from to form a new home with her groom. Of course that's sad, but it's what we usually do after a certain point.

When I was at the campsite, the owners showed me and my mom the cabins available for rent; this may be a better option for us because we'd need less preparation. The cabins were built in the 1960s, and very little had changed. I remembered all the furniture (metal, bar-like 'head board'), pine paneling, starburst, pastel-colored, art-deco table. I kind of had to laugh. It was like everything remained intact. Maybe some things really don't change.

I talked with the owners for a bit. I was a little nervous about how we'd be perceived (we're brown and my nieces and nephews are mixed race). As it turned out, the husband lived in our neighborhood on the northeast side of town at same time we did. He worked at a nearby Hallmark store/ pharmacy when he was 17, and I was 9 or so. He went to the same schools as we did, and also graduated from the same high school where my mother and her siblings graduated. The hometown was definitely a very small world in terms of its connections.

The owners were kind. After paying my bill, I joked, "thanks for having us. I know we're a lively bunch, and we joked to each other to behave because we want to be able to come back." They said they loved having us and to come back, and the wife hugged my mom on one of the nights we were there.

So yes, maybe some things don't change, but maybe some things can be added on. I discovered that my stepfather and some of his family went to the campsite because his father had a cabin nearby. Yeah, his family actually started in that direction of Michigan way back when and migrated to the outskirts of the hometown in the 1940s. As it turned out, my mother's father had a friend who also lived that way and owned a farm there. My mother also had many happy memories of the area in the 50s and 60s as a kid. I didn't know things went back that far for both parents. And, we kind of continued it.

I had to laugh. Part of the reason I headed there was because my mom told me sis Rosepetal wanted to rent an Air n'B in the opposite direction. I pretty much figured Mom and I would end up paying for all of that, so I literally made my own plans in the opposite direction. Of course, I wanted to see nice lake and spend some time there, but I also didn't want to get stuck with the entire bill. Mom is fine with doing that for Rosepetal, but the rest of us are not.

I sent a pic of the set-up campsite to Huck and I was wearing a goofy tie dye shirt I got from a Buccee's on the way. It has a Grateful Dead style but has Buccee the Beaver on it and it says Road Tripping. Huck (who's a 'Dean fan) said I was letting my inner flower child play, and he was right. Something about stepping in mud made me feel great. Something about pitching a tent and setting up the site to where it was optimal woke me up. All my experience of the outdoors kicked in, and I was swimming along and feeling fine. I loved feeling Michigan beneath my feet, and of course, its many maple, elm and pine trees.

But, the silty and cool freshwater lake lost its appeal. I saw my nephew Zaza run down a hill and dive into it. Oh, I did that lots of times as a kid and would stay in that damn lake until my fingers turned into prunes. But, not anymore. I like the ocean, the very warm and salty water. I like water where I can see.

Yeah, my not-so-liked stepfather did introduce me to a lot of the outdoors, but I embraced it and I embraced him. I hauled ass down the freeway listening to the classic and Southern rock that he liked so well, and I also-- felt fine and very content. He did expose me to things I turned out to love.

The family wants to get together more frequently, and they liked the gatherings we've had these past 2 years. I think I may end up getting a cabin instead for the next year if we are able to do this. I can just fly in, rent a car, and not think too hard about equipment, supplies, and long drives (though I actually enjoyed the 2-day drives there and back).

I also saw so many things differently about my family. I am kind of an anomoly. I drop my pretenses and my labels when interacting with them (or at least try to). We chose different paths and paid different prices for them, and that's the way it goes. But, we are still family and we bring what we can.

I finally realized I had something to offer them, and it's just from me being me and bringing bits of what I've experienced. Of course, my abilities to plan, organize, life guard (haha), and do outdoor recreation all came in handy. I guess they see me as a bit of a border collie (hahaha) and seem to respect that. I just try my best to let us just be and for me to not orchestrate anything but a time and place for us to be together.

I understand my sisters in the hometown often bicker and distanced themselves from Rosepetal because of her troubles (which mirror many of the ones my mother had), but Mom and I came in as neutral parties and brought enough to defuse their differences for the time we were together, especially since it's rare for us nowadays.

The family's changing of the guard is very visible. My generation is the majority now, and we have a bigger say in things. We are no longer at the mercy of my mother and her generation. Ok, I'm not here to diss Boomers, but even Mom noticed something along these lines. At the end of the trip, she said when the 4 of us sisters sat together, eating and talking, she was amazed that we were 4 strong women who were able to make this happen (and she also noticed the chemistry of certain people and things, and how that affects the atmosphere). So true!

I'm surprised at how chill I was about things. Nothing or no one really got me bent out of shape at all (except for those fucking detours through Indiana). I wasn't even worried about my mother or her behavior (but I opted not to offer shots of Fireball as a precaution; I saved the Fireball for my homebound overnight stop in Acworth, GA). The words of former colleague Cricket came to mind when she remarked about the change of Remy after we dated for a while: 'Did an alien treat Remy's body like a pod and take over his body?' Apparently, he became much less mouthy and assholey. It was almost like something similar happened to me and how I felt around my family. Did an alien take over my body? Uh, no... maybe all that inner work that seemed to go nowhere and experience did?

I can't help but reach back to Uncle Joe with all of this. I've been reaching out to the family more since he died. A part of me knows it's what he'd want and like, but a part of me acknowledges that what he showed me (and even left for me) made it possible, it made it so possible! I once wrote here that I realized a parent will often leave things for their children to help them navigate the world; since children are their creation, they want to do something to help them thrive. He'd be so happy to see us together, enjoying life, each other, and the outdoors. He'd be so thrilled to hear about the road trip and how I handled all those snarly detours. I'm sure he'd be smiling about all of it, especially since many elements of the Lotzschultz clan (my stepfather's family) were included. Yeah, I definitely hope what happened this week left others with something beautiful that can carry them through.

downwind | upstream