Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-07-07

Is this all just a dream?

I know I've been so resistant to so much in life. Part of it is fear, part of it is control, and part of it is "show me first!"

I said 'yes' to the dreams I had a couple holidays ago. I'll go where I was directed to go, but resisted.

I surrender. I'm ready to walk into that cave, merge into that ocean, or dissolve. I can be picked apart, threshed, melted. Do whatever it takes. Do whatever is supposed to happen.

There will be change, and that's what else I feared. I don't want to get dunked back into times of deprivation; God knows I saw enough of that for the first years of my life. I don't want to be stripped to the core, with nothing to protect me or nowhere to hide, or the strength stripped to where I no longer can fight or at least defend myself. I don't want to die, life's gotten too interesting. I also don't want to be so demoralized that I debate with the 'don't want to die' part. I also don't want my OCD tendencies to kick in and put my head in a place where I don't want it to be.

It's because of a question I can't solve, it's a resolution that has to find its own way. I can't force it into any direction because it's a force that's much stronger than myself and it goes its own way. Like the short time that I was pregnant, my body and big parts of my psyche went completely their own way because I was supporting another life; all of that was on autopilot and steered by forces beyond me (and how I resented that!). All I could do was try my best to cope with the physical and intense emotional changes going on because little I tried could help me feel comfortable or even normal.

No, it's ok. I may or may not be ready for whatever loss, change or transition this may bring, but it has to happen.

It's the only direction I really have to go unless I want to stand in front of a wall or in the dead end of a maze. Going over, under, or around it ain't an option.

My God, I can't remember a time where logic would work so little.

That was the thing. All the logic I could muster did not solve this riddle. It did not feel resolved at all. I could make some sense of it, but only my heart seems to be able and also put it all together.

So I surrender. It has me. I can't run, debate, negotiate, or deny. I can't even try to guess or predict the outcome (though I've tried, all of this is new territory and past patterns may not be reliable).

It can take me in another direction, disorienting me until I find my center again and make sense of what else is around me. It may make me question myself and things I've done. Who knows where it can take me?

Maybe this is all just a dream, and I'll soon wake up.

downwind | upstream