Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-07-22

Switches, change, and complications

One category of employees returned to work this week. When I entered the building, I must admit it felt so frosty. I don't think they wanted to come back, and probably resented that those in my category don't have to return until mid-August (oh, they resent us for other reasons). There weren't many people in the building at all and masks are optional. It just-- it sort of shook me out of my remote working slumber.

My mentor and I had a good talk today about me getting bent out of shape over work matters. The short of it is this: it's no different than knowing the limits of what others can give or are capable of giving. A lot of things happened at work regardless of me or what I contributed, and people bring with them whatever they have in their own lives. If the way they act or treat me makes me very uncomfortable, don't take it personally. Be objective about what really may be my doing (which is usually much less than I think it is) and own up to it, but drop the rest.

I started being selective about which calls I answered from Oteil from Miami. The calls were getting frequent (multiple times during the day), sometimes included texts, and were usually 1 hour long at minimum. It's nice to talk to friends, but I don't even talk to my closest ones that often, and he was feeling overbearing.

I also was trying to sort out my head about a few other things. I'm still on the rebound from Huck, I'm making pending plans (as usual, hah) about some coursework, and... I'm really not into Oteil for more than a friend. I don't have romantic thoughts about him at all. It doesn't help that I hardly ever got to see him now or when we met in 2014; it was no different then except I lived closer to him 7 years ago. This time, I didn't feel like trying too hard, especially with lingering feelings: he got in touch with me approximately about a week after Huck and I stopped seeing each other, and I remembered what things were like back then.

Well, this is a switch. Someone kind of chased me instead of me chasing them, hah. Years ago, I would had felt bad because for not warming up to someone or felt guilty because my feelings didn't accelerate the way theirs did. Now, I simply acknowledged where I was, how I felt, and if things were conducive to starting something; in this case, I wasn't feeling it and didn't feel like trying.

I didn't even try. I didn't give up, it's more like I just saw what was up and made my decision.

Huck... We had that nice weekend together. I cried when I woke up for the first 4 mornings after that. I'm letting the narcotic seep out of my veins. These are withdrawals and what happens when one wakes up to reality.

We met after I reluctantly tossed my hat back in the ring and while he was screwing around (which was his way of dealing with his very complicated life). We met when the world was turned upside down, and our feelings for each other surprised us both, but realities made things difficult. However, being together was like a shelter in a storm as he once said, and I think he was right. It was for us both. Maybe this was what we both needed for ourselves for the time.

Now, and after that weekend, we send little 'this is/ was my day' kind of messages to each other and an occasional sentiment ('Miss you'). I can't send anything emotional because it will probably complicate things even more. If anything, I'm hoping for-- a quiet fadeout.

I'm sure time, distance, busy-ness, and swimming in the stream of our respective worlds will drift us further apart until the messages fade. We'll be happy to had known each other. Maybe we'll get to hang out once in a while when he's in my region, or we'll wish each other happy holidays. Maybe it will be like another Oteil with a return years later; for that, I'll wish that the conditions that halted things now will be resolved or much more manageable. The best that can come of this so far is 'happy to had known you,' and yeah, for that amazing and blissful connection between us.

I ask myself what was real and what wasn't. Was it projection or escapism? Yes, it was both, yet it still brought out something within the both of us that we wanted to find and may not had found as easily or readily on our own or with someone else.

I can't rush myself to date another or attempt to replace him because I know premature attempts usually turn out poorly. It will be similar to departing from others like this. I just gotta move a little, focus my attention on something, and then I'll amble or stagger my way back into meeting new people. I've done this many a'time! Of course, I could just say all these words are bullshit and that we should just drop everything in our lives and make a starry-eyed sprint back into each other's arms forevermore!

In happier news, I'll be spending this weekend with my kid sister Rosepetal in Orlando! It's just going to be us. We did have a nice night together last fall with her, me, our mother, and her lady friend. Once she got her troubles off her chest, our time together was quite relaxed. I left her and Mom alone for over and hour so they can spend time together. When I approached them, they were talking about politics and current events. Maybe they didn't need time for confiding in each other or venting, but for talking about things they like without the usual distractions.

downwind | upstream