Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-08-10

Got hooked by a siren's song

Timmy came by for a visit, which he does from time to time. I sure enjoy his company more when we're not having sex! He saw some candy cigarettes from my Michigan visit and asked to bum one. He was wearing a t-shirt and his hair was slicked back, and I joked he looked like James Dean (except, well, Timmy's fully gray with a similar hairstyle). I asked him for a picture, and he gave a playfully mysterious look with a candy cigarette dangling from his lips. I laughed and took different angles, and he modeled quite nicely. I always did like laughing with him, and he didn't seem to mind one bit.

I guess I can thank my knack of finding things to keep me busy to redirect my energy. I got new bedroom furniture and while it's rather basic, it's all right by me. I didn't realize I had the same decor since-- 2006 or so? Yes, it started that long ago when I lived in Gulf Bluff. Some parts of being there were unsettling, so I worked towards making my bedroom into a sanctuary. It started when I found some beautiful images of females dressed like angels and I decided to go with a celestial and floral theme. My happy places were always space and in flower gardens, so I made my daily resting place with purpose.

I didn't realize it had been 15 years. I even got a new little TV (my way of conjuring male energy, like the kind I can chill with and watch some TV, cuddle, and doze off as part of the regular things we could do, heh heh). The colors will also be different, though I'll still keep a bit of the purple. I'm not done with the bedroom yet. I have to patch a wall where I used to have some shelves and repaint them, and I decided to have an accent wall in the bedroom. It's half done, and I realized last night that it was definitely time for that change.

I then got an estimate for a renovated kitchen. I got sticker shock and maybe the salesperson thought I was a fool. It's a small galley kitchen and the cost of a reno would had been double of what I paid to even start the process of owning this place; the price was outrageous! After talking it over, a friend and I thought maybe a resurfacing of the cabinets and a new quartz countertop (along with a new sink) would be a more reasonable solution.

Part of this is to redirect my energy and attention from my last relationship, and it is kind of working. I didn't realize how much I had going on to keep me busy and I was very grateful for that. As lovely as things were between me and Huck, it occurred to me that things didn't have to be so complicated. When complications mount the way they did, it just wasn't going to work. It couldn't because most of the relationship would be spent trying to deal with them. How would we really know how we'd be together when most of the relationship was about work arounds?

It also occurred to me that Huck was really just another tourist passing through. He was out of his element, and travel does make people very horny. He once said I conjured him and more than once that he felt like a sailor who got hooked by a siren's song and that I seduced him. (I recalled he was very eager for affection, it felt good on my end, and then it went its own way; I didn't feel particular siren-like when all that went down!). I guess what happened between us didn't or couldn't happen while he was in his own element because things weren't in place for it.

Some of my friends have had flings with tourists and largely say they're instances of catch and release. I've even had a dalliance or 2, but they never had the qualities I experienced with Huck. Heck, few dalliances of any type had those and I sure wished I could see more of them in a regular relationship! That was why I didn't write him off so rapidly.

Now that I know what's really what in his life, I know what is possible and what is not. He expressed that his visits will not be as frequent or regular as they were in the winter and early spring. He'll always be there if I need a kind or warm word, a flirt, and maybe a great time whenever he comes in from NYC. It's been almost a month since we last saw each other in person, and slowly that narcotic fades.

I guess I was right when I supposed this would change me in some way because I really don't feel the same inside. I realize my heart truly opened up and... it stayed open. Huck's not around, but the love I feel still is and didn't go away.

This along with my busy-ness reminds me of the times I've kind of hobbled after a big change, loss or when something didn't go as expected. I know this arc well, and have a good idea of where I am with it.

I also know to allow my heart to swell and not halt it when I think of him. Let it cycle like a wave. This was the best antidote I found for when I pined after someone and their little spell over me was broken after many years. The funny thing is it feels so liberating to remember them without that spell!

And in amazing news, my 2 paternal half-sisters will be visiting me for my birthday.

It's like many of my biggest dreams actually came true this year.

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