Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-08-25

The fog had to lift or be burned by light.

Before I saw Huck for his visit this week, this song played in my head:

I thought to myself, "it's time to be willing to let go the thing you wanted so badly. You need to do this to get to the other side, and where you land will give you a hint of how to proceed."

So true. It was such a mix of things that it was a blur, everything between me and Huck. It was beautiful love and passion, and considerable friendship and companionship. It was also serious deceit, omission, and constant changes. There was manipulation from the get-go. Although I understand someone can really be in a bad state when love walks in (God knows that's happened with me), it's pathological when they dwell in it and don't even try to change.

I couldn't wait to see Huck, but I felt such a mix of feelings and they exhausted me. I called in sick to work on the day of the evening we were to meet just so I'd have energy.

We had a drink at a place he liked. He told me the last time he had been there was around the time we met. No, it wasn't. He sent me pics of when he was there afterward when he said he was with his family. I reminded him of this and he said no. A nerve was pricked, I was again reminded of his constant lies. While we had our drink, he changed the schedule we agreed to 3 times in that short evening, and I wasn't amused. I didn't call him out on it, I simply observed and was amazed with what I saw.

Huck was also supposed to spend the night at my place and the next 2 days, but he changed that. He gave me a convoluted explanation about why. He wouldn't stay the night, but was glad to come over and hire a ride back to his parents' place at midnight. Wow, so in his changes, he made enough time to fuck and make his way out? This reminded me of what he did in the first 3 months we dated, and that habit obviously wasn't about to change.

I dropped him off at his parents' place after our one drink. He told me he loved me and I said the same, adding, "you're so fucking complicated!" The weird thing was I felt this stillness as I drove home by myself. The windows were open and I listened to country music and something whispered wait for it, and I got the messages I needed.

I get it, I totally and completely get it. I started telling him my mixed feelings about things these past 3 weeks. The more I told him, I felt a tumor in me shrink. I felt the hold of the relationship lessen each time I spoke my truths and feelings, and I felt surprised. It was like the spell was weakening, and it finally broke.

I was so glad he told me what he admitted to me in July, but I was not glad he was going to keep being evasive. I didn't need or want more surprises. He avoided my call last night when I wanted to tell him how I felt, so I texted him and said, "let me make this easier..." I finally told him I couldn't be with anyone I did not trust and that I was cancelling spending time with him.

I wanted to go on with my own life and away from him, but I still had feelings for him. I figured a fadeout between us would happen where we swim back into our respective lives a thousand miles away from each other. There kind of was, but there kind of wasn't. Maybe the fadeout needed to be different, like the fog had to lift or be burned by light.

Huck texted me in the morning and acted like everything seemed great last night, but then said he understood. He claimed he had no idea about my trust issues; considering what I told him this month and that he is a keen listener when he wanted to, I doubted that. He said he hoped the good things we had outweighed complications but accepted they did not. He added he knew what it was like to not have anyone in his life he felt he could trust and hoped it could be me. It was strange he said this with how he was. So the guy lived in a den of thieves, but I didn't want to. He wished he could change my mind but said he respected me too much to force the issue, and he did love me and always would.

I simply wished him good luck and to take care. I was unusually transparent with him in comparison, so I didn't feel the need to say anything more.

The relationship summary: Huck was a tourist making a visit, I told him that observation last night. He was an elusive and evasive person, what he admitted to me in July. When we met in February, we expected a casual date and a little fun (his remedy for his miserable and complicated life -- I look at mine so much differently now), but we looked inside each other and loved what we saw. What we saw and shared that wasn't touched by his evasion was real, but Huck kept it going under completely false pretenses: he had no intention of moving here like he claimed. As it turned out, he lived with his ex-wife for financial and parenting reasons, and it probably appeared to everyone in their sphere that they were together. Maybe they really were, I don't know (and don't need to at this point)! I had difficulties in April and May, and ended it then; the separation really crushed me, and I found out he had 2 sons and a disgrunted ex-wife (which she told the world in one of her works of art).

Well, I got back in touch with him in June and that led to his eager response and another visit in July where he told me "everything," including the part that he was having sex with her. He told me all of this at the last hour of his July visit (and conveniently after we had great reunion sex that weekend). I got it, and it took me a month to stop denying to myself that I didn't trust him at all and that he was just a slippery person.

There's my little single, middle-aged woman sob story for the day. I understand love didn't cause this, it was a sad little man who was deceitful to get what he wanted. I can embrace the passion and the adventure, and pray it doesn't come in a package like this again. Yes, it brought love out of me that I didn't know what there or was hidden, and it hadn't gone away. I guess for the next scenario, I can embrace the advice of locals when it comes to romancing tourists: just play with them and throw them back in.

downwind | upstream