Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-09-08

Try to hobble on

(Warning Label Goes Here)

Everyone has denned in their office spaces in my area. One person was out sick and they are older, with sensitive health, and tested positive for Covid last summer but didn't get symptoms. Everyone's waiting for the spike in infections after the Labor Day holiday weekend. I'm kind of wondering myself since my 2 sisters aren't immunized and they traveled by air to visit me.

The long weekend. None of us knew what to expect. I thought sis Princess would be the dramatic one who demanded to be the center of gravity, but it was the other sister Kelly. Kel has been having hard times and she really couldn't leave those behind. The vibe was weird. Two of us wanted to do things, joke around and go out and about while another wanted to smoke weed, usually sulk and sit by the pool. One thing I can say about Kel is she expresses herself and is real as it can get. So, we knew about all of her troubles right away and at least she wasn't being fake.

Listening to Kel was tiring at times. It reminded me of myself in the more difficult times of my life when my own head was stuck in a mobius strip of awful thinking, and even worse, what that lovely hometown of ours seemed to bring out in people. I found myself feeling very stuck and heavy after a while, and almost helpless.

It reminds me a little of when I saw my cousin over the Fourth of July weekend where I also got to see that household's dramas. I understand no family is perfect and there's always drama. I guess the best we can do is just ride the waves as they come. I try my best to be kind and not add to it. The pandemic has locked us up and we crave connection, but at the same time, it's kicked up immense drama all around. Cousin Gabe's gathering was one example, and I guess this past weekend was the same.

Kel came out with lots of sensitive experiences and feelings she felt. Although Princ and I could completely relate, it was weird how she shared quite a bit of them with our Cousin Gabe. The sisters and I also had big questions and feelings about our absentee birth father, which we also shared (Princ and I a bit more quietly, briefly, and between the sisters).

I've been knowing how hurt they've been about our father, especially 2 years ago when we discovered we had a younger half-brother. I saw his picture and he could pass as a brother to one of our cousins, so I believed it. My sisters were really excited about getting in touch with him, but I didn't have a good feeling about it and wasn't enthused. As it turned out, this half-brother wanted nothing to do with us because our father ruined his mother's life (not an exaggeration, I'm afraid). This was a terrible blow to them and it destroyed and changed what they knew about him.

As for me, I made the connection between my lack of interest and some intelligence I got about our father back in 1988. The info was so beyond anything I heard at the time that I was dazed for a while and felt a weird residue stick because it was info that couldn't be unheard or undone. Some of it was heinous. I didn't go poking around for it, people with the info dropped it at my feet (and more info came the same way 7 years later which only confirmed and added more vivid details to what I heard). I never repeated what I learned because I would had sounded insane. Unfortunately, my sisters got the worse part of the intel, connected the dots and were devastated.

Then, a part of me says I got the information for a reason, especially for it to come to me the way it did. Maybe I got it because I was the sister that was most likely or capable of handling it. Gee, thanks, Life!

So yeah, I guess I don't feel so good now because I'm digesting poisons. It makes me feel bad because it makes me question myself and the kind of person I am. I know I've hidden myself an awful lot, and all of this makes me want to go back into that space where I do the world a favor and not poison it any further by maintaining distance. It makes me think of the people I've frightened over the years, the times where I was in Kel's shoes and radiated venom to the world and felt so hopelessly stuck with it. So I've done intense work on myself over the years and I suppose I'm revisiting covered ground, but this is really heavy merde.

I know sometimes healing can be extremely painful. At least we know some heavy truths, and now all I hope is the 3 of us can process it, release it, forgive that man, and try to hobble on.

Maybe the whole point of all of this was for this to happen. I just hope I have the strength and wherewithal to be able to walk through this, too. The thing is, I've always done this alone and taking on the energy of others is the hardest part.

downwind | upstream