Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-09-16

Now what?

I felt quite down after my sisters' visit, mainly because seeing sis Kelly reminded me of the difficulties we had with our birth father, which led me to recall the various types of violence we experienced almost regularly back home.

It sounds seriously awful to admit this, but seeing how she was reminded me of exactly what I did not want to be: an angry, bitter and wounded middle aged woman who feels trapped, like life's a constant struggle, and doesn't take good care of herself. That was what seriously motivated me to take better care of myself. I don't want to speak too loudly about that.

Last night, I found myself sauntering to the cantina where I spent 2 birthdays, and had a lively chat with someone at the bar and the friendly young bartender named Enriko ('Enrico' with a 'k'), and although the company was lifting, I still went home with a headache and wanted to lay down.

My bedroom was hot and I had to tear off the comforter in the middle of the night. The dog, surprisingly, was fast asleep and didn't stir. I woke up feeling lost and confused. I imagined Huck lying on his side of the bed with his head buried in a pillow, but when I blinked, all I saw were pillows and the lump of comforter and then I felt sad.

Yes, I still have residues of him. We're not in touch and thoughts of him sometimes seep in my head. I am actively yet gently trying to keep walking further away from all of that. To be expected for one of the better romances of one's life.

The alarm went off at its usual time. I stumbled into my calisthenics (yes, I do them as a paltry substitute for not swimming) but parts of my getting up routine felt gradually invigorating this morning. I haven't worn lipstick in ages (thank you, face masks), but I smeared on the mauve color and found myself feeling lifted.

I went to my dresser and did the usual things when I finish getting ready. I looked in the mirror, and I felt more like myself than I had these past 2 weeks.

On my way to work, I put on a playlist of music I remember from living in Miami, or reminded me of the sounds and places I'd visit. I haven't listened to a lot of music these past 3 weeks. The playlist was music I never shared with Huck. I shared music I thought we'd both like, so I need to make it a point to reclaim the music. I had to do the same thing with Miles Davis years ago, and it took a while for me to hear it, enjoy it, and not think of the beau attached to it.

Sometimes it's the little routines and pleasures that pull us back. Listening to my playlist, "Sounds from The 305," brought back a sense of playfulness I hadn't seen enough of lately.

And now, everyone's asking now what? Everyone wants a change, but what people don't know it the trial and error part that accompanies it. We're not gonna know what the fuck's up with anything for a while, and we'll have to try and try again to see what sticks or what works for most people (or, the people with the most advantages, so hah). No, I don't think we're all going to unite and the world will turn into a paradise. It's more like we're confused and clueless teenagers again but don't fully know it yet, and what do teens and young adults without a clue usually do?

My mother and some of my siblings are getting together next month. Like clueless teens, they have no clue about their itinerary. I guess my sis Bre can't get the great hotel discounts she got last year and it sounds like she has less money to spend. Mom suggested her and I get an AirBnB for everyone and everyone splits the costs, but I declined. I already know we'll put up the money and never get paid back, and that's only part of my decision.

Don't know how that visit will go. My family are not planners at all and I prefer to keep my mouth shut when it comes to giving unsolicited advice or "telling them what to do." We have drastically different mindsets, so me doing that is really tricky; I just try to do it when I'm asked or if it can solve something right away. So far, I've mainly took note of their initial plans, made my own plans within it, and made my plans flexible enough to where if their plans work, they work but if not, I'll always have something else to do and they usually have the choice to join me (which was what happened during my last Michigan trip).

Anyway... I better go. I have some exciting presentations to make (hah), so away I go...

downwind | upstream