Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-05-03

Estimates

The cable and internet went kaput. I saw their service men at my building when I came home and didn't have a great feeling about it. At least the customer service line promised me a visit from them tomorrow since they considered my case a service failure.

I also had a handy woman come over to give estimates on a few tasks in my casita. The previous owners took excellent care of my unit, and I'm grateful for that. I just can use some benign updates (light fixtures, and addition of recessed lighting). If she works out, I'll hire her for other tasks.

My buddy Jimbob kinda gave me the courage to try something that goes beyond do-it myself (which I usually do). His help did a great job on his new place and he told me all about it (and over and over again). I did baby steps towards asking for estimates and am now hoping for the best. When I moved in here 3 years ago, I had a spreadsheet of tasks that I largely finished (squeals 'go me!!!' and even 'rock on!'). I made my new list for bigger stuff and tasks that I won't do myself.

My mentor thinks I can see him less, every other week. I thought about doing this last year around this time but I actually did have some things to peel away like he suggested. I thought it over and a part of me felt like a kid kinda attached to a parent. Objectively, he is right (and I even considered it last year) and I see big differences between when I started and now. I did some very heavy work and got through it. In the few instances where I dream of my parents, I am always liberated rather than trapped and so are my siblings. I guess my fear is maybe not feeling ready or maybe this strength is only temporary.

I sometimes wish I could get those years back where I was so down and bringing others there. I think of when I was terrified of so many things and afraid of how others perceived me. It seemed like I was in constant battles with others where I had to demand respect for boundaries and even to be treated right. I wish I knew then what I know now. Maybe I could had had a more normal life. Then, there's the possibility that maybe that was the way it was supposed to be.

I guess the whole point of therapy and the inner child work was to release the pain. It doesn't result in squeaky clean perfection but something imperfect yet much more free without being delusional.

I saw Undone on Amazon, its second season and it's partly a story of healing ancestral wounds and even those not long ago. They try to change things but realize there's certain things that have to happen. Yet, it says we actually can heal these when we recognize these wounds rather than hide them and give love and compassion so they heal (at least ideally). It can be done even for those who had passed.

Rafael's also doing some inner work and can be intense about it. I sometimes want to tell him to live life a little more so it's not like being in a constant state of self schooling and self repair. Sometimes our flawed self is quite all right if we feel we're doing the best we can because maybe it's really our unique expression. Sometimes we need to practice and live, and see how it all works or fits.

The ghosts, my ghosts... they aren't a heavy or deep-rooted secret. It's so silly in some ways but they still prick my attention. I sure hope it's not a case of where I have to face them one or a few times more for me to-- determine they aren't worth a lack of my energy? Get scorched or humiliated by them to be convinced of this? Fully see their true colors so my psyche permanently evicts them? This has happened quite a few times in my life so prob-a-fucking-ly (smacks forehead and waits for impending doom).

Well, there had been an occasion or 2 where these things were peaceful, or peace came after an honest yet difficult admission. I've had difficult things said to me but the messenger wasn't being hurtful on purpose. I want to steer away from the instances where a person wants to continue the bad behavior or treatment. Then again, maybe that's the only way my stubborn self might get it right.

downwind | upstream