Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-05-11

Hello again, Greta

My nephew was having some trouble at school. I know this kid can be a bit of a tornado (he was when he was toddler) and also that kids can often get punished for the bad deeds of others. Some make it themselves, and some are easy targets because they are noticeable or because of something they did in the past. Then, I can add to the equation that he tests as gifted and is visibly mixed race. My sis/ his mom Rosepetal said he was suspended for the third time this school year. Three times is a lot, so I was concerned and activated my college friend Greta who specialized in advising on student discipline.

I was able to forward some information my sister could get about school procedures and how to address behavior issues. She often loses her cool, so I wanted to give her something to anchor her before she goes into her own version of a tornado. But, Greta advised me to call her and she'll give me more information since this can become problematic for the rest of my nephew's time in school (and, the school to prison pipeline for Blacks has become more visible here in the States).

Greta retired last year after a career in teaching and then running her own consulting firm. She saw me through the personal/ professional disaster known as my teaching internship...

...we went up through the teacher college and another program together. We separated during the internship and at the end, she tried to pep talk me and keep me going, but I still failed and dropped out. I licked my wounds and ended up heading a different direction 2 years later. Greta and I got back in touch with each other 5 years ago (thanks to social media, again). One of the interesting things she said after we had updates was, "I'm so glad you made it." She wasn't the only person who told me that, and like the other person who said it, she saw me go from a little to slightly more.

The teaching internship was pretty harsh and one of the effects is a reflex to having a nervous eagle-eye towards my own work. It must be perfect, no errors. If someone spots it, everything could come crashing down, says an inner critic that remained even though the internship was more than 20 years ago.

I also recalled oh-so well that the collaborating teachers' biggest stink was on the errors in my work. I later saw, with consistency, that when someone hates me they'll attack errors. Then, they'll say I didn't follow policies and procedures. Next, they may give subtle attacks on me or my work (usually in the form of snark or 'differences of opinion'). Finally, they will outright launch an attack either privately or in front of a group and expect me to run away or quit (oh, they never anticipate that I say or do something back, or that I stay composed and wait for them to finish even though I'm shaking inside). At least later experience taught me there's usually a trajectory I can anticipate and prepare to face.

This still affects me. I prepared an outline for an intern to visit my building. Ooh, the intern gets a special treat by watching a presentation I'll give (hahahah, my pretend-TEDtalk for 3 or 4 people). I took a screenshot of a site they'd need and would be a focus of what we'll go over. I had to take 2 separate shots to get the whole screen, but I found myself silently quaking to be absolutely sure the dimensions were exact. I later reviewed and updated some websites where I'm the content creator, and I noticed my intense stares at different parts to make sure I got it right.

I guess the internship (and the experience) I've had wasn't a total waste. I was able to reach out to someone from back then to help solve a problem and I even had more than one clue for my sister on how to handle it (I also told her she needed to teach her kid some conflict management even though that's easier said than done for an energetic kid; heck, she might learn something from that for herself or go so far as to model it). I told her to know her school's policies for discipline. So no, the experience wasn't completely scarring if I was able to take something from it, pass it along, and hopefully help my sister and her son.

As for my failure and dropping out, I later learned that a lot of people did that with their internships and up to 60% of new teachers leave the profession within 2 or 3 years of starting it. I was simply one who got out early. I thought I was a failure and an anomaly but I gradually saw what happened was very common and for a variety of reasons. Most of teachers I know (who started the profession at the same time I would had) are finding ways to retire early or leave the profession.

I'll reach out to Greta tomorrow morning and see what else she has to say. Maybe she can talk to my sister directly. But, I guess when I think of difficult times like the internship, I can't say it was all merde. I had to clean a lot of it off or turn it into something else valuable. Perhaps the thing to embrace is sometimes I am able to distill something useful from that situation.

downwind | upstream