Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-05-13

One long and interesting ride

I saw my mentor for the first time in 2 weeks and we talked about terminating. I guess it's unbelievable to me that I'm able to see and feel results of what had been the toughest therapy of my life. Four years ago, I thought it was hopeless. The reason I did it and kept with it was because I just couldn't imagine keeping my head any longer in the state it was in, there had to be a different way. And, I finally worked with someone who was experienced in working with trauma.

I had no idea I'd be in for one long and interesting ride. I thought compartmentalizing my hurts was what I had to do, especially since they just didn't seem to go away on their own. I thought ignoring them the best I could was the way to go, I didn't want to indulge them any more than I felt I already was. I just thought some hurts really never went away, we only learned how to manage them. As a wise woman once said, we've got to feel it and be responsible for it if we want to heal it (even if it wasn't our fault or something someone else did).

I didn't know I was like one of other beautiful souls I met on this path who scrambled and went around the world to seek that elusive inner peace or sense of wholeness. I also met others who were just as stuck as I felt and had similar struggles.

I can't say it was only one thing that happened that made things better, it was all of it. The soul-searching, facing tough fears and memories, telling difficult truths. There was the psychedelics which I sought for therapeutic uses, the energy work. There was love and friendship, and losses or big changes of both. It was even the ideas I wore for size but put back on the shelf; I gradually tried other things until I saw something that fit and I liked. Hell, it was definitely reclaiming the love and friendship that had been or was in my life. It was also experiencing things I saw so little of, acknowledging what I never had (or had very little of) but finally being able to grasp that I was very much worthy.

And, we had a worldwide pandemic where everything was disrupted. I was actually ok for the most part and was able to lend my strength (in its many forms) to others. The things I did before it actually helped me immensely (and there was no way one could had predicted or anticipated it). Working from home was rehab for so many things although the solitude got crushing at times. My family had 2 major deaths, one from an illness and one from violence. I even had a part to play with my attempts to give gentle guidance from my own earlier experiences with loss. I actually facilitated more than one tough discussion and although tough things were said and felt, no one got violent or horrible to each other (people who knew my family might consider that a small miracle).

I think the other tough thing is when I really look hard at it, my mentor was probably the closest things I ever had to-- a father. Uncle Joe was like a steadfast companion and friend (uh, like an uncle), but my mentor had the emotional and psychic (as in psyche) capacities that he didn't. I actually teared a little to Rafael when we talked about it. I didn't want to put my mentor in that position or see him like that at all. But, like it or not, it kind of turned out that way because of the rapport and exchanges for these past 4 years. He definitely wasn't dry towards me and didn't treat me like a specimen or just another series of words to add to a case file.

I guess I have more time to chew on this. Then again, I only need to remind me of the big, bad D-word that sometimes happens after the C-word. My friend Carlo isn't well and has a nurse visiting him every day (he reluctantly agreed to it). When I asked him if it was for hospice, he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. I really have no idea if it was an act and I doubt he'd tell me if it was. And, a fellow DLander lost a spouse after considerable suffering. Nothing makes things more real and for the trivial things to dissolve than a death preceded by suffering.

Here's for some trivial things...

...Rafael and I made some killer brownies this weekend. He cooked the cannabis (it didn't take much) with olive oil, and then we mixed it in the batter in place of the vegetable oil. It didn't take much at all! Since the brownies were quite potent, I yielded a lot of little brownie bites. I may send some care packages to people who I know enjoy edibles.

We ate 2 and I was kind of damaged for at least 2 days, hahaha. Recommended dose is 1. I ate half of one the other night and felt really chill yet functional (and no damage the next day, hahah)!

...They say we're in for a doozy of a full moon this weekend. I guess all I can say is whatever flood waters come about, I just pray I have a raft, boat, or life jacket while everything around me washes away. I suppose I really can't hold on to much except what truly matters (and what can be carried). Or, maybe this is one of those times where I make better sense of it.

...I hadn't thought about it, but I recalled someone used to kiss my neck, to the right of my Adam's apple and sometimes he gave me a second one further to the side. It was easy because we were the same height. I felt the soft warmth of his face and smelled his clean scent as he moved to that spot. I remembered the soft kiss, light yet warm, and it always brought a peace and calmness in me. It felt like the final and unique touch on a gift like a ribbon or a pretty tag with my name on it, and it felt like something that was just for me.

And yet I still feel those moments in my current life but without him. It happens with the one I'm with. It's in other expressions of being adored by another. I value the past experience, but savor that it didn't go away. Reassigned, perhaps, but it didn't go away.

downwind | upstream