Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-05-16

So here's to the cycles

Life's divine dramas. Right when we think all is lost, we are wrong. Right when we think we have it all, we also may be very wrong. It really is like a yin and a yang, and too much of one thing usually gums up the works cos nature doesn't like extremes, says I as I wax philosophical.

At least I can say the older I get, the more faded dreams and delusions I've let go. Some were my making, some were fed to me, some were my interpretation of 'what is supposed to be' or what I thought would make me happy, whole, or healed. For some of these, they really weren't for me and I really wasn't right for them.

We had the Blood Moon last night. I took my pup outside to do her thing one more time and it was like a small circle high in the heavens above me and my pond. The redness surrounding the full Moon swirled and if I were an ancient, I imagine I'd be scared as hell because it looked supernatural and run back into my hut. I hadn't seen a phenomenon like that in ages. The coven says heavy energies were abound, and things that were to end were very much gonna this weekend, and if you really want to openly interpret that, perhaps the days before and after.

I've had so many deaths and rebirths in my life and within. Moksha is something I heard about that frees you from those constant cycles and you are free when you overcome your ignorance and desires (including the desire for moksha). Is this something I can learn from someone else (hahaahha), something I can be like those seekers I've met who dart from one teacher and holy place to another in search for that-- something?

Speaking of endings and beginnings, I perceive the wheel is turning in my own life. The little decisions I made definitely are placing me to see a different perspective and hell, even a different road or two. I see things are not the same at all as they were last year or even 2 or 3 years ago. I do feel a sense of relief and even some liberation. When I'm home alone, I hum Cream's I feel free sometimes. Then, this leads me to different sets of challenges, some I can change, some I can't and some I pray that I don't also again gum up the works because I want something so badly to happen.

I had a nice chat with those ghosts bothering me and it wasn't nearly as awful as it could had been (and no, I'm not literally talking to spiritual beings that passed away but figuratively things in my own head). I meditated on things and journaled, and what seemed to be a minor detail out of many actually turned out to really give me a better perspective. It wasn't even an 'a-ha' because this detail was laying there all along, I just didn't know its full significance.

I went back to the ghosts, and I was surprised how weakened their hold had on me when I connected this minor detail to them. This little detail easily connected with other very relevant ones, and hooray, I hadn't been feeling them as intensely. Did I resolve the issue? God, I sure hope so. If I see them again, I hope it's a gentle flicker of a memory, like 2 friends talking:

"Hey remember ______?" asks Friend.
"Her/ Him/ That?? Uh, yeah. That was quite a while ago," I reply and maybe sigh with relief.

When I think of the ghosts, it had to do with a situation where I thought was empowered but really wasn't. Of course I contributed things to it, but things would had turned out differently if I were and there wasn't much I could had done since, well, certain things were already set in place that I had nothing to do with or couldn't change. It feels much better for me to realize I did all I could to correct/ fix/ empower myself, but other things happened that weren't up to me at all. It's not passing off the responsibility to the situation, but embracing my own with dealing with the damn ghosts (which are issues with my own damn head and to a degree, my heart).

I guess I can handle my own cheerful and emotional dysregulation tendencies a bit better. I've stumbled and fell an awful fucking lot through my life, but it seems I usually can crawl or stumble back on my feet. Others seem to notice it a lot while at the same time, are amazed by my ability to get back and stay on my feet after rebounding. So, here's to the cycles that I seem to be able to grasp despite my lifelong clumsiness with them.

downwind | upstream