Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-01-28

My cacao prayer

Listening to Nina Simone’s I wish I knew what it was like to be free.


It’s been a while. I just had a little cacao that relaxed me, and last night I soaked in the floatation tank. I stopped by Avery’s place for a cup of coffee while he upgraded his QuickBooks skills, and chewed his ear off for a bit. He served me coffee and a little bit of his roomie Tex’s cannabis.


Let’s see…. our new building boss is racheting up their expectations, and we’ll be getting a bunch of new hires in the next few months. I sense there’s gonna be an interesting morphing of some sort. Well God knows the damn building can use new blood. We’ve successfully chased all the promising young blood away (except for me, because I’m a dang die-hard), but with new leadership they may be more likely to stay.


I am truly in the thick of my retraining program. I have Prof (professor) Insano who assigns us an insane amount of readings and spends the lecture blabbering way about his life experience and ancient Middle Eastern history. I spend the lecture taking notes on the readings. I think we’re gonna be teaching ourselves quite a bit, though he does provide some structure at unexpected moments of his monologues. Some of the classmates think he has dementia, but Prof Insano does provide some structure.

I then think to myself that I was defintely Wonder Woman in my 20s while I was working my way through the university: working, classes, balancing it all, being broke, going all over the place for work, school, study, exercise. I didn’t realize I was pretty close to being a dynamo with it all.


Covid…. I have symptoms lingering, it’s been almost 21 days since I stopped testing negative. Everyone assumed I’d bounce back right way, but sadly, nooo. I get headaches on the top of my head, cough, phlegm, and quite tired after a mentally or physically challenging task. I still feel little zaps under my skin, and muscle aches. I’m not sure if it was my already fluctuating energy (thank you, perimenopause), mental/ emotional stress, or long-term covid symptoms. It’s slowed me down quite a bit, and can be challenging with lovely mild anxiety.


The pup…. Every time I dream of Marley, she is happy. She is wiggling around with her happy face and tongue sticking out, and the doggie smile with her bright, brown eyes. I have a lot more time to myself now that she isn’t here, and I still expect to see her skirting into my room, hopping on the sofa, or standing at my feet in my galley kitchen while I cook. Of course, I know she’s not on this earth, but her memory is still there.

I finally started gathering more of her stuff and cleaned her doggie sweaters. We live in the sub-tropics, how did the dog manage to accumulate so many of those? Hahahahah! I took the advise of a neighbor not to give too much of her stuff way; getting another Marley or something like it is a long-term goal.


The country is really wobbling right about now. I can’t even watch the footage of the latest police violence, read information on the attack on the politician’s spouse in their own home that landed him in emergency, or another mass shooting. A news article recently by some scholars who study violence categorized mass shootings as another ‘disease of dispair.’ I’m staying close to home rather than stray too far into the mess.

While the country wobbles, I was freed from a very large obligation. I’d rather not say what it was, but (*speechless*). Let’s just say I reached a goal I’d never thought I’d reach. I’m still trying to digest all of it and what this may mean. A part of me cried and still cries, not because I’m sad but— because it’s the easiest way for me to discharge the intense surprise. I knew this day would come, but I thought much, much later than sooner.

The tears are similar to the ones I cried with Uncle Joe’s reach from the grave. He didn’t simply leave me with a few dollars to pay some bills or to spend, but so much more, and it was based on an agreement we made in the early 2000s. Maybe I need to digest it all in the same way. Don’t knock the gift, it wasn’t like I felt a sense of entitlement. Knocking the gift, in a way, was a form of non-acceptance for a choice he willingly made. So, this release… Let’s just say that yes, I worked exceptionally hard on the way to this. Maybe I just need to believe I was able to this.

I asked for a Sleeper Team victory, and by Universe, I got it. Now I need to rest and then will come the next match.

Speaking of goals, I looked at a vision board I created in 2008 and much of it was on the money. Now, I think about what I want to close from that and construct for the next one.


Avery…. We’re by far not perfect or perfect for each other, but I’d say we give each other what we need. We are so very different from each other, yet we’re caring towards one another. I don’t have the passion and starry-eyed feeling as I felt with Huck, but I don’t need it (thought I think Avery is the starr-ier of the 2, hahah, and he needs that). He and Tex take care of each other (though they can be like bickering brothers), and Av and I do the same.

It is interesting how we somehow find each other through the differences and are in the same space of sorts, and together. It’s a beautiful thing, something I felt with a few others throughout my life, and there’s something I savor about being there with Avery, like the time we went on our first “date” and ended up on the beach and looking at the stars.


I haven’t seen my mentor since I got covid. I’ve been seeing him less these past 6 months, and my class cut into the time we’d usually meet.

I went for another aya ceremony last week, and it was a very beautiful one. However, the last couple of times I was there, it was much less to heal myself and more on learning about the plant, its energy, and medicine. Both ceremonies assured me I was doing ok, and that it was ok to step away from all that work for a while. I do enjoy the ceremonies, thought, and I feel that I am part of an interesting community where I give and receive.

I haven’t heard from any of my covens lately (hahah), though we are in loose touch. Perhaps we’ll come together when we need to, or maybe we all got the same little notion: step away, breathe, and just live, taking it day by day.


I still feel bleh, I sure hope I can shake off this covid crud sooner. I’ll close my cacao prayer, wash up, and then meet Av for some dinner where we’ll bring ourselves and just enjoy all of that.

downwind | upstream