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Diary

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Diaryland

2004-07-30

Enjoy, let it fade, let it fade

Lust. Ewwww. It creeps in on me every so often. It's a full moon this weekend and yes, it does funny things to the tides and to the human body. Oh.

Ewww. I've been eyeballing the Czech librarian in my univ.lib office. He's tall, strong, with brown wavy hair and chestnut brown eyes. I see him and my heart and other parts of me go pitter-patter-throb-throb, pitter-patter-throb-throb.

Souljah's buddy Cathay swoons every time Marty walks by. He has no clue what she's doing, and seems to think maybe she has some nervous condition. I tease her from time-to-time about him. Marty lives in Canton, and I was eating in a restaurant in that suburb one weekend. I joked to Cathay that I witnessed their rendevous, and we made up the story, laughing all the way.

Ewww. It's his physical presence and his penetrating eyes. When he walks briskly by, I think of him doing something else briskly to me. Whispering some Czech in my ear while he does it so I have something to feel and also to hear.

It's also because I cooked some Spanish rice and brought in into work one day; he served himself the biggest portion (and, ate it all!).

He always gives me pretty warm smiles, and if he's not absorbed in something, he looks at me when I enter the office for the first time of my workday.

Yesterday I told Souljah, "ugh, I feel like an idiot. I feel like Cathay when she does this (*I pretend to swoon*), and towards (*I point my head towards Marty's office*)."

"Huh? What?"

I repeated myself and she was surprised I thought that.

"Well, just once in a while," I said.

Today, shortly after I came into the office, Marty stood close by me and asked me how the job hunt was going. I was so surprised by his sudden, unexpected attention (and that I was thinking of him, heh-heh) that I was tongue-tied. I could feel myself visibly sweat on my forehead.

"How's the job hunt? Well, uh-- uh--" and I managed to blabber out something. I then added, "oh, I'm sweating because I carried in this printer from the parking structure. I'm giving this to Souljah." Had to add that so he wouldn't think I got nervous over him, hahah.

The other side is that Marty's married, and I' have John. Marty's a supervisor, and I'm just beginning in the library world. Any silly shit is the last thing I need at this time.

The other side is that I've had dozens of crushes and pinings like these, and I did some regretable actions acting on them.

Hahah, the sex is usually better imagined that what it really is. And, if it was amazing, then I hate the feeling of smothered embers in my chest after all is done... It seems that after that happens, the guy has to act all bad-ass like it meant nothing, I meant nothing, and it had happened that a couple (on different occasions, mind you) said some pretty evil things about the kind of person I was (namely, "big-time slut", though they were as much a part of the action as I).

So with all of that in mind, I will stay still. Of course, I will enjoy the extracurricular activity in my brain and let it fade. Enjoy, and let it fade, let it fade.