Cafe Hitch-hike


For the time that remains

I just so happened to stumble over some travel tips for my upcoming excursion. It partly originated with finding out how to manage snakes near my habitat and seeing similarities between my home and the region I’ll soon visit. When I did that, I also read some things about their customs. It looks like I’ll need to purchase a sarong to wear from time-to-time, greet people with the ‘Namaste’ gesture, take off my shoes whenever I enter a home, and use my right hand for everything when I’m in the public.

I realized I’ll be going to a completely different culture than the ones I’ve experienced. It’s not going to be like my visits to Europe where I recognized some foods because someone I knew or grew up with made something similar (goulash, noodles, potatoes with powered paprika, liver and onions with a fruit salad with mayonnaise, etc.). No sireee, it’s different. I also read a warning that if some street food is super-cheap, chances are high that it’s dog meat.

Besides reading about wild animals or things I need to be aware of and thanks to the power of technological surveillance, I was funneled some information I truly needed (*laughs*).

Then meanwhile, I guess I can talk about my divorce. It’s not literal but it sank in that it really is. As the week went on and my head cleared, I decided to try to negotiate my separation. Instead of just quitting my job and working at the local grocery store til I figure shit out, I saw better ways to land. I put out some applications in addition to the interview I had last week, and now hope for the best. I also found a reasonably priced yet low-stakes certification that may help whenever I find the time to do that.

I also decided to try to find a job that was less demanding or even somewhat downgraded so I could concentrate on finishing my program.

I’ll try to make it amicable when the time comes. My boss told me earlier this year they would be happy to be a reference whenever I feel the need to pursue other opportunities, so I’ll be a good sport. I’ll keep my attitude and other indicators of my emotional dysregulation in check for the time that remains.

I spent some time hanging out with Avery and his roomie Tex last night. I didn’t want to stay late at all, so I left early. I then entered my home and it dawned on me: “OMFG, I really did it!”.

I really made the decision to do something and I should had done it long ago. My former mentor even suggested this (and he rarely did this). I made the decision with a lot of information in my corner, and also deliberations.

I also made it with the understanding that…. I’m not a fuck-up. People leave these things all the time and do it for far less reason. I can list the many friends I’ve had who have left undesirable employers when they saw there was little if anything they could do to change a bad dynamic. I saw how much those jobs demoralized them. They reached a point where they had it, and then they made their move.

I read the tarot cards for more than 1 of these people and the cards told me to tell them to make a decision before one is made for them, usually in the form of being downsized, demoted, fired, or the company folds.

Yes, I am a little scared. I want to move on to better dynamics. I also know that certain fears dwell with me wherever I may go; I really do take myself wherever I go.

However, I do look at some things that happened at the dozen-odd years I’ve been with my employer. The only thing I really was able to control in a lot of situations was my attitude or how I managed myself. I may have some inner hangups and whatever, but some of those were very legitimate. I’ve gone to forums of the marginalized in my profession where a lot of that has been affirmed.

Being in the temp position verified some of my hunches about the building. Long story short: a body can only survive for so long when there’s multiple organ failures. Miracles and luck eventually run out. Even evil things eventually die, though slower than most things. Organs can recover but they will be weaker than before and will need a lot of care.

Finally, I looked back on the time before I took on this temporary role and I had taken on administrative tasks. They were done and well, but took a lot out of me to say the least. The temp position really has the most demanding thing I’ve taken on after college, and its demands show no sign whatsoever of letting up. It’s just the nature of the beast, and I’m not up to keeping on riding it. I’ve been feeling injured despite my best efforts. Is work supposed to feel like I just rode a bull? My brain and body finally told me it wasn’t, and firmly told me about 11 days ago.

Alrighty, I’m sure I’ll be crying on these pages and over the keyboard a bit more in the weeks to come and as I dance a tango with uncertainty. But, at least I’ll get to go far, far away for a little while and regroup.

downwind | upstream