Cafe Hitch-hike


Is it my turn now?

Could it be the thing I was freed from might also allow me to be free of other things?

I may be getting little signs, or more like knocks on the head of something I’ve known since 2019 (2018 at the earliest) but have been conveniently ignoring.

‘Conveniently ignoring’ because…. I’ve been building my life on the wrong thing? Because I’d rather deal with the devil I know than the one I don’t? Because I think I can beat something and prevail? Because my desire for security led me to sell my soul? That maybe it’s not the ‘wrong thing’ I’ve built my life upon but not the right thing, or there’s a better thing?

And, there’s me and my own brain that I’ve been writing about for so long. It really has its own quirks and I guess those will follow me wherever I go. Even if I change some directions, I’ll always have the anxieties and other hangups I really can’t let go of and no matter where I go or how hard I try. I’ll always piss off people around me as much as people like me. I might as well accept my innate clumsiness as a given, but at least I managed to outgrow or refine quite a bit of it. All I can do is accept that because maybe I was just born that way.

I really had to do a lot to untwist so much. I guess there’s only so much untwisting I can do because some things just can’t be set straight.

I’ve been dreaming about houses a lot lately, and I dream I live in a large one with big rooms. They are very benign dreams, but I dream of living and sleeping in a large home, and a lot of times, I’m not alone. I’m with family and people I know. I have my space, and it’s just… different. I feel quite all right, although the house doesn’t have the comforts of my current home.

I really do think I reach an end this time, and part of it is because I just ran out of gas. I just don’t have the fuel in me left to keep down this road, so now I just hope I can find another. So… Hitch-hike hits another road, hoping to find redemption and wholeness, and hopefully friendship and love. Hopefully I can enjoy some comforts down this path, hopefully.

I know I am not the only one. I’ve been given signs from others who are also feeling this call. I’ve been noticing things being a certain way for a long time, and I’ve always known that I’m always the one who has to emigrate from something. Is it my turn now? If so, I just hope to God I can handle this next road, and I pray it won’t have the level of strife or loneliness as the one I’ve been on for so long. If I’m gonna have to take big losses, then hell, let me have relish that freedom and joy, have that community I’ve craved for so long, or am connected to what truly nourishes me.

downwind | upstream