Cafe Hitch-hike


It's in fine working order

I've been fortunate that I haven't entirely been resigned to the fate of many of the women in my family (yet, says the pessimist in me, hahaha). Most of the women before me suffered immensely through their relationships with men.

One of the relatives moved across the nation to rid herself of one such person, and I was astonished to see that years later, she still wore a locket that held picture of her beau with their love child. The second half of the locket held a lock of his hair.

Another relative had a guy named Rey. I found it so odd that he had a torrential relationship with my relative, but we had something different. I was told he liked my personality and asked about me, even after I grew up. My relative kicked Rey to the curb after almost 30 years of emotional toil. Soon after that, she married her friend.

It seemed like the women pined over and chased their men. It was like they waited for them to love them the way they wanted. They withstood some pretty dreadful things like addictions, abuse, dishonesty, and infidelity to say the least. My sister Princ told me she often saw the same thing in her own family. As a result, she told her daughter she can do whatever she wants with her life, except to marry a Mexican. Princ isn't the first to tell me something like this.

I also didn't remember many of the women receiving much of anything from the men in their life. It all seemed to revolve around the men. Maybe it's a cultural thing, since we are Latina, but it seemed very unpleasant to my young sensibilities. Everything seemed to be easier when the men who were around were not their partners or lovers. It was the case with my stepfather, who was the prime example.

Although I saw my women endure a lot, I definitely did not or do not hate men. I always liked hanging out with boys and men, and had many as friends throughout my life and it wasn't sexual. They were usually easier to get along with, and I thought they were interesting and fun!

I'm sure what I saw warped my sensibilities about men, but on the other hand, I have some proof I wasn't completely. When I was a teen and young adult, I noticed that I often got treated quite well by the guys who liked me or I dated compared to other women my age. Some of my female friends never got gifts or went on actual dates with their guys! Oh, yeah, I definitely got my share of hit-it and quit-it kind of treatment, but I also went to shows, concerts, gatherings, and gosh, even met their friends and family.

I've had relationships come close to marriage. I've felt very deeply for people, and sometimes love co-existed with a sense of passion. A few of my men inspired me to go further in life, and hell, even gave me the courage to do so. I've been treated well with some consistency in my adulthood.

I can definitely remember the heartbreaks and disappointments. Sometimes I was left with grief after all was said and done. I felt hurt in the times I felt something real with someone who wasn't in my caste, and either they didn't take me seriously or walked away but never said why. INXS's Original Sin reminds me of one such sting from when I lived in Michigan.

I'm thinking about all of this because of recent events. I was questioning my ability to love and be loved, and whether I am able to open up to others. I wondered if I was broken. Why didn't I warm up to certain people who were very warm to me? Why didn't I open up when I had chances? Did watching my women suffer have anything to do with this?

Ali gave me a very plain answer to that. While someone may look good on paper, there's something largely unseen that holds two people together and allows the chemistry to happen, and that is also largely out of our control. It happens or it doesn't! She said it's not unique to me, but it's just about the same for everyone.

Well, if I can go by more recent events, I conversed, flirted, romanced, and gosh, even got to make love, expressed myself the way I liked, and with someone who hooked my attention! I was able to easily recall and touch feelings of love and warmth after being in the presence of certain people and remembering! The evidence is starting to show that all seems to be in fine working order!

I guess I don't really have a plan or thought past all of this. I'm just letting myself sit with it for now, and just be thankful for the different turn my life got to take so far!

downwind | upstream