Cafe Hitch-hike



Re-fucking-wind, all right!

A few weeks ago, I said that sometimes things return in order to see it more clearly, understand it more, and perhaps make peace with it. It may also help to show what someone or something really meant.

A few things are knocking my door, or better yet hitting it with a battering ram. I'd rather not say what some of those are, but let's just say I don't necessarily welcome them with open arms. They are not legal, financial, health, or professional matters. They are personal and extremely private. I know they won't go away if I don't answer the door, so I guess I'm working the courage to now let them in.

Part of what I am willing to share has to do with a failed teaching internship I had at the end of my time at University of the Rust Belt State. It probably gives the best example of the other things that are perking their heads into my life.

I've had two dreams over the past 7 days that I was repeating something. I dreamed I was re-doing the last part of the teaching internship that I failed.

In the first dream, I was in the classroom again, and I wondered what the fuck I was doing there! I have no interest to become a teacher or get my credentials for a variety of reasons. I stood in the classroom and thought that maybe I was doing it to show I could. I wanted to show I could overcome a loss. In a way, I did because I took all I learned in my teaching training and applied to many of my personal and professional activities. Why did it mean so much to me to re-do it and succeed?

One thing that was different about this time was my collaborating teacher was very kind and supportive. I could feel that it was getting to the end of the school year (there was a restlessness in the air), but I felt that I was going to successfully finish. (Maybe that was what I wanted, that feeling?)

After the kids were gone and only other teachers and student interns remained, we had drinks, graded papers, talked a bit, and listened to some music. My collaborating teacher smoked a cigarette and relaxed while she graded papers. We walked together to the parking lot, greeted each other with 'good nights,' hopped in our cars, and went our separate ways for the weekend.

A few days later, I dreamed I was with Alyse, the (deceased) wife of my (also deceased) former mentor. She was a school principal and she was driving me to her school. We sat in her mini-van and entered the school parking lot. Alyse outlined the time I was to report there (6:30 a.m.) and firmly asked if that would be a problem. I said no, with some initial hesitance but then I felt decisive.

"You are being given another chance," she nodded and said with a no-nonsense tone. "Your reputation and what you do, here on out, will depend on what you can do here. If you can do this well, you can write your own ticket, but you have to work hard. You must try your best and go with what you know. You will make some mistakes, but you just get back on your feet and keep going."

"Yes, Alyse," I replied with respect. We stepped out of the car and walked toward the school.

There is something I want to do again, but maybe fix it and finish it... On my own terms? Successfully? What??

downwind | upstream