Cafe Hitch-hike

2018-06-21

The night before

I finally sent my uncle Ralph and aunt Birgitte a sympathy card for the death of their son Roberto-Rosario who took his own life almost a month ago. We have been estranged for a long time, but I wanted to send them my thoughts. And, as someone pointed out to me, I wanted to say 'goodbye' to my cousin and hope that maybe it will help everyone make that emotional and perhaps spiritual transition.

I'm a little restless as I tend to be the night before I travel. I cleaned the house so all I need to do is park myself in the comfort of home when I return.

I looked at the program where I will present and was curious to see who else was part of it. As it turns out, some highly regarded institutions were included, and there was my name and institution among them! I guess I wasn't kidding when I said I felt like I was on a sleeper team! I then noticed that the session after mine was a continuation of my topic, that is, it provides another dimension and is presented by a panel of heavies. The timing or selection couldn't had been better!

Although I plan to be out and about, I hope to do more cultural events and far less drinking (oh, but I'll go for some absinthe, hell to the yes!). I hope I can walk a bit, and that my apparel isn't too far off base in terms of appearing business casual enough without overheating me... and better yet, that I don't look like a damn librarian. Gawd, we really do dress alike! Well, it can't be as bad as the science librarian training where I was surrounded by (honestly) the dweebiest cohort I had ever been around! It was like being around a bunch of female versions of Sheldon Cooper! They were all right, but wow, it was different! Yeah, I was probably like Penny in comparison!

I had some upsetting news about a relative who had a relapse. Yeah, I could talk, plead, listen or whatever because the relative and I talk with some frequency, but I realize the relative will do what she damn well pleases. It got to a point where her behavior got so outrageous and some things happenes that her mother threw her out of the house. The mother had been generously patient but to the point of enabling her, and also told her daughter she had to clean up her act.

However, both sides didn't make things better. The mother and the girl drank together, which usually led the girl to use soon after drinking (or, the girl used it as an excuse to use, and/or using anything was a slippery slope). The daughter was a hell of a conniver (as addicts tend to be) and just played along for a short time, so the combination of everything was a disaster waiting to happen.

It would be unkind to simply not care or not tell her this was messed up, people care for her, and I'm terrified of hearing that something horrible happen to her. Then, I realize I've made these points in the past about her behavior, and yeah, she put up a front with me like she had with her mother. I don't want to not care, but chances are what I say or think wouldn't make a difference, and then I don't want to feel hopeless, but it sure is damn easy because it has been this way for a very long time.

Another relative had a string of DUIs and told me when he was getting sent to jail over them. He paused as if to wait for me scold him, and I simply said, "what do you want me to say? You've done this before, you know what happens, and yet you do it anyway! You always do what you want to do despite what anyone tells you (which also includes the justice system)! Just handle it." I suppose I could tell her the same damn thing. Yeah, I love them and they have loved me, but... what could I say that gets that message across without making me feel it's so futile?

With all of this in mind, maybe running off and letting myself be among the librarians will anchor me in a less troubled world. Perhaps that's why I've been in the field for as long as I have.

downwind | upstream