Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-08-02

Tell me in my dreams, some way or some how.

I had a dream I was leaving a building that was surrounded by a petting zoo of sorts. I enjoyed seeing all of the animals, and it had quite a few baby ones like goats, kittens, and even bunnies. As I left, I opened the gate where I saw a rabbit mangled in it. I was so startled and tried to unjam it from the fence, but it was so lodged in its body and it was in so much pain! It even cried out in tittering squeaks! I wished I could had freed the rabbit right there, but it looked like the fence needed to be cut first and even more work before trying! The injuries looked so bad that I didn't even know if the rabbit could survive the extraction or healing! I didn't know what to do and felt so bad for the rabbit!

Gee, perhaps I could relate. I felt stuck in the barriers in some of the times I tried breaking limitations and breaking through. I can see where I even got impaled and where it caused so much pain. Maybe I was too clumsy or didn't know the consequences of my not-knowing or haste? Maybe this is what I did in desperation? Maybe the barrier was too large for an attempt?

That's the thing. We don't know what we don't know. I've been told lately I can't have complete control and I can't know everything. I can't see every finite possibility. Sometimes I may not even have the ability or means to do something and not know it. So how the hell do we know? Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? I guess this is where faith and belief step in. Know what we know the best we can, and pray like crazy that it works out (or at least that we can recover if we get mangled).

My mentor has tried telling me that some of my fears are very irrational. My death fear as of late was one of them. And there's the twist... what is irrational and what is true? I guess that's where discretion steps in.

It's not just the news I need to minimize every so often. I look at the things others are doing (mostly professionally) and then feel like I'm falling way short. Not everyone becomes heads of things, bosses or movers and shakers, true. It's just that I'm really surprised when people who I thought would never leave a place and do quite well there move on, like I had seen today.

I can't honestly say I'm stuck, but I really wished I could have a good partner or collaborator.

I can't complain much about my accomplishments considering where I began. I walked in my house last night and quietly repeated what I've been able to do with and for myself in a stretch of life. I can't complain at all, I really can't complain.

I think of all the inner work I've done on myself. There's days I feel like I'm on Square One (and the mentor tries to point on on the progress I've made, and then I have to refocus and say, 'oh yeah, I really did that!'), and then I tell myself that my baby steps in so many things really did take me to another place. Maybe the other place isn't drastic and big, but different enough and perhaps even a little better than before.

I started dating last month, bit by bit. I don't feel nearly as squeamish as I had in previous times I attempted, and I hear my friends bitch about it (even those who are more attractive). Sometimes I am a bit energized by it and it puts a spring in my step. But, it can be complicated. One consistent thing I get is people in complicated domestic situations. After experiencing all of that with Huck, I don't have to think long at all to swerve around that slick in the road. Someone said dating in midlife is like shopping at a charity shop or secondhand store and that's kind of right. But, at least I feel more grounded with approaching all of that and don't take it personally.

I also don't take lack of chemistry personally. If what 2 people bring didn't bring a spark, then it just didn't. I can wonder what I could do differently but not mutilate myself or be something I'm absolutely not. I don't take someone's situation as my bad luck; what the hell, it happened without me. It sucks that the people I'm most interested in live about 50 miles away, but those are the breaks. At this point, I just shrug, especially if I interacted as well as I could (not flaking out, talking about exes, or other bad female behaviors one can bring to a date). Over the years, I've noticed my intuition can be quite sharp when it comes to this, and I know the difference between simple anxiety/ fear and seeing things weren't gonna happen.

Like most people with online dating, I possess some reserve and so to the people I meet. I can feel and sense the armor around some men, and I recognize myself as donning the same. I do try to give a bit more and open what feels comfortable, and sometimes I continue to feel my giving bounce off their armor, and sometimes I don't. I sometimes wonder if maybe I'm too closed off, but I remind myself how I felt in the times were I fully loved someone (yes, it has happened) and that ability hasn't been frozen or snuffed. It's really a challenge to feel open, receptive, and give, yet not completely set myself up as a sitting duck. I understand men have the same concerns.

I decided to drop-kick the advise I had been given about giving things a shot when things between me and someone else are lukewarm ('hey, it takes a while! Give it a chance!'). I've seen those things either consistently sputter or not really turn out to be a good match. Bah-hah, I'll take all of these knowings over bitter cynicism and writing the male species off as ___________ (derogatory masculine term).

I was invited to an aya ceremony this weekend and I promptly accepted. I had been called to the medicine and won't even complain if I don't receive intense messages. I think I have a relationship with the plant medicine, and this is a visit and continuation of our exchanges. I think my kambo sessions a couple of months ago really made a difference in processing a lot of things and was open to attending another ceremony, and 2 invites came my way.

I still think about my last ceremony where I was told I misunderstood myself and my energy, and internalized things others said about me. As well as I do understand myself, I see there's lot of bits where I'm blind and couldn't buy a clue, and can only wait until they are revealed on their own time.

I'll definitely ask all of these questions to her this weekend, kindly, respectfully and patiently. I have a lot to ask and especially the dream of the rabbit, what it may be telling me and what I may need to do.

downwind | upstream