Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-06-09

Out of the fishbowl

I remember telling my former mentor that I didn’t want to end up an angry, bitter person. I knew many who got that way as they got older. I had a theory that men often got that way because they regretted the chances they didn’t take: that job, relationship, experience, or whatever. For women, I thought maybe it was the things they couldn’t let go (all the same things). One of the reasons I was willing to do risky things like ayahuasca and the psychedelics was to fix it all, not to mention going through therapy that felt soul-scathing at times.

Angry and bitter. I’d say there’s enough of both wihin me. Or, I think the matter is resolved, and then when the right button is pushed, it springs out.

No, it all doesn’t go away with what I tried. It really gave perspective, and then it’s up to me to work with what I’ve got. Some things really cycle around again. My sore spots are poked. Some would say I’m revisiting an issue from another perspective with the chance to do an advanced level of work with it, and there’s the possibility that it wasn’t resolved as neatly as I liked to think.

There’s also the part of accepting there’s certain things that are really just a part of me. If they’ve been there for a very long time, chances are some things are just part of the package. Or, those things are my doing and I really should change something if I want it to be different.

Living with ourselves and our quirks and shortcomings that can’t be erased is a lifelong process as a friend of mine in the coven said recently.

I’m heading out of town this next weekfor a convention out in the mountains. I can hardly wait, and I heard they had some pueblo dwellings that were an easy drive away. I’m quite excited about it (but not, I don’t want to get my hopes too high, hahah). I really haven’t had a leisure trip since the Europe trip that was, damn, 4 years ago. The ones I’ve had since then were all family.

I thought about the feeling of freedom I’d get from being out of my fishbowl. I wouldn’t be subject to the usual constraints I face day by day. I won’t see the same people, either. I remembered the feeling of openess I felt on my last big trip and eager to meet people and make friends. I hate to say this, but I often don’t feel that way in my daily life. I’m much more reserved. The more I think of the travel, it’s like I think about the memory and see the difference between that experience and my usual life.

Then, my paternal half-sis and I are taking a cruise. I remembered meeting and talking to different people on my last one back in 2017. I sure hope I haven’t lost that ability or at least hope I can connect with it sooner rather than later. I

It’s not so much I’m doubting myself or my decisions. It’s more like I’m looking at what underlies them, and I’m trying to see into my reactions to things. It’s like I feel that I’m seeing things at that different point of the spiral, as I said earlier, I’m wondering what really is just a part of me that can’t be changed, something I can adjust or learn, or accept circumstances I can’t entirely anticipate or control.

I’ve been able to examine things about myself that I absolutely couldn’t with my mentor or on my own in the past. Yay me, maybe I got strong enough to do it (hah, or at least I hope). Some recent things in my life really made me confront or at least get a better view of some fears in my own head. There’s that, and then the 2 heavy work assignments I took this past year also are making me really confront my assumptions about things (yeah, I can’t believe I took on 2 and they both became complicated because of shit I had zero control over, otherwise my colleagues tell me I did everything I was supposed to do).

I sometimes see that my hangups are my deal. it’s like there’s an emptyness inside sometimes, and when people see me they see that space and put their crap in it, or their projections, fears, or whoever I remind them of. I sometimes wonder if people don’t approach me at times because of the fear or reservation I feel at times; they perceive that’s what I want and so they stay back. Well, I want them to be away whiie I sort myself out and so I don’t pull them into my undertow. But, I often push away others when my conscious doesn’t want to (and maybe the part of me that’s unconscious wants to be let me so badly).

The other part is I just wrapped up a work year since our official calendar ends at the end of this month. It’s been a whopper of a year with responsibilities. I was surprised at my annual report. Yeah, I did a strong finish despite being tired as fuckall. I cried when I thought about it, just as I had like people I’ve known who won hard-fought victories. And yeah, I’m kind of reviewing quite a few things to recalibrate myself and my direction.

‘Hard fought victories.’. I’m reading an eye-opening book for Prof. Insano’s course about power, oppression, and the illegal ways those in power continued it but went unpunished. The book would definitely be banned in Florida school libraries although it’s written by 2 well-known political scientists. It’s definitely making me savor the victories I’ve been able to have rather than getting continuous kick-downs.

Ultimately, I bitch about work, but a lot of it really starts within me.

downwind | upstream