Cafe Hitch-hike

2020-11-01

Walking through mayhem is one of my specialties.

I've read a few lamentations about the days (and election) to come. No one is expecting anything to be normal. My chips are on a narrow Democrat victory in popular votes and electoral college, but a 2020 redux will happen and the packed court will vote in favor of Caligula. If that doesn't happen, then my second bet would be a wild card just like the previous election, something no one could see coming (like what, BIPOCs will come out in record numbers and change it?).

Well there's a song that's passed the test of time! Speaking of news, what little I've read lately echoes some of my initial fears from last summer, but I shrug. I've been in so many scenarios where the worse outcome happened that the next best step is to figure out what I'd need to do to survive. Another 4 years of Trump? More eroding of rights? More intrusion of the government on women's matters? Further degradation of education? Increased gap between the rich and the poor? Diminished international regard? More delusional, psychotic tweets and rants, and weekly MAGA rallies? I'll somehow figure a way through. Walking through mayhem is one of my specialties.

As an American, I want to apologize for it in advance. As a transplanted Floridian, I am doubly apologizing. I just hope it's not my region of the state that royally humps it up this time. What can I say? The combination of heat, sunshine, and water does something really bad to our decision-making.

After family returned to their homes, I chilled out and cleaned up. I didn't even pay attention to Halloween. A friend wanted to go out, but I had zero interest. Instead, I visited a float tank and renewed my membership where the guy gave me the original plan (they scaled them back, and I get longer floats like what I had before). At the minimum, it's a great stress reliever and I always finish it in a much better mood. At max, it's been a powerful meditation and processing tool. I figured I needed an appointment after the family visit...

...the family visit in itself wasn't difficult and I got on fine with everyone. But, let's say I understood certain emotional residues much better after digesting them a bit; I'll probably be doing this for some time. I saw my mother in a different light (once again). Last year, I understood the ways she was weakened, defenseless, and shunned by others for her decisions. I had certain understandings about her over the years, but this time, some of them were greatly enlarged.

The best I say is that people often do crazy things to deflect their faults or mistakes. actions really do speak much louder than words or simple gestures. I understand that people are complex; we are full of conflicting traits and what someone shows to the world is not always the same as what they really are. Finally, it's disheartening to witness what else addiction can do: strip a person of empathy, and erode their ability to protect themselves and those closest to them from various types of harm.

These things are not settling the same with me as these have in the past. More feelings in me were provoked than I expected. My feelings of -- disgust? surprise? anger? -- surprised me so much that I have yet to figure out what to do with them. My ability to forgive must go deeper.

What astonishes me about all of this was when I was a child, I was painted as being too sensitive and emotional about some very serious matters. Mom told me I was the only kid of hers who seemed to have a problem with them. Over the course of last week (and without belaboring the point), I had to explain to her why I didn't like being around intoxicated people, that I physically can't stand hangovers, and that I can allow certain people in my life and not others. I had to actually explain these things? Explain that I have boundaries? Explain that I can choose who I let into my life and what I give them? Explain that I was a defenseless child who didn't like our maddening home life?

Here's the ringer. She's wanted to live with me for the past 12 years and she brought it up again. I told it could happen if I have a plot of land where we can have separate units. Reason? Our lives are so different and we are very different people, so we wouldn't be very compatible living in one unit. It was not the answer she wanted and she seemed to be a bit frosty with me afterward. I have my other reasons, for sure!

What can I do? I suppose I can just feign a Buddhist mindset, disassociate these feelings, or like my coven friends say, 'just imagine them bathed in a white light of God's love, and that they are happy and have what they need.' Yep, yep, and yep. Just figure out a way I can blow it off spiritually or mindfully, and if I do it enough times, maybe the disgust, surprise, and anger will also disappear. Maybe all of those years of neglect, disruption, and violence will magically fade and was just one long, crazy dream after all.

In better news, I used the extra hour this morning to hit the water. I took my paddleboard where I sat and kneeled while I paddled until I got used to the board and the water. I stood and paddled when I found a little protected area. The water was so still, and a few boats anchored there to enjoy the quiet and stillness. I saw a large, blue heron fly and swoop overhead (it made me laugh because a bird swooped me and my girls last week in the ocean, I didn't even realize it until I saw my sister's recording).

I paddled back to where I launched. A Latin church nearby was singing hymns. I was a little tired, and decided to lay on the paddleboard and look at the sky. I joked to myself that maybe I'll get bumped by some sealife: a manatee, or maybe a shark? Maybe Bully the Bull Shark that supposedly lurks around Oleta State Park? Heheheh. I laid there and allowed the board to cradle me while the waves rocked under me. I didn't hear anything, and it felt so good. I stayed that way for a few minutes, until instinct told me to sit up. I'm glad I listened because some waves came quickly, so I got on my knees and paddled myself to shore. I also forgot to put on my tether on my ankle, so if I fell off the board, I'd have to swim after it!.

I washed off my equipment, and a boy and his dad asked me about it. They even noticed the Fox Pro whistle on my life jacket; it used to be my lifeguard whistle, and then I gave it to Uncle Joe who liked it and used it to summon cabs when he was a hotel doorman and valet, and it made its way back to me. I do enjoy being a recreation leader at times...

downwind | upstream