Cafe Hitch-hike

2021-05-08

Senti chegar meu momento

After processing (or moping, or ruminating, or whatever near-obsessive thinking I want to say it was), I put on happier music and picked up around my house. I already had plans to meet with a friend at a favorite place. It's always stimulating conversation, and he's a cutie-patootie besides; his parents have East Indian heritage and they're from Trinidad, so he's got lovely brown skin with dark eyes and hair. I wasn't sure if we'd have rain followed by steambath weather, but it was cool enough to clean house with open windows in the hours before meeting my friend.

I then got a message from Chris, the empath I met when I visited my brother over Thanksgiving. Turns out he'll be in the area for a whole week visiting family and friends. He invited me to some gatherings and was very excited about the visit! Chris told me he was going to visit sometime in the spring, and it's actualized.

I had to laugh because he'll be here at the same time Huck was supposed to (or said, or claimed). I already made up my mind that I didn't want to see him and was tempted to leave town for the days he'd be here.

After I was done talking to Chris, I sighed deeply and then... smiled with surprise. Yeah, I felt kind of terrible about Huck, but I sat with the most pleasant surprise about hanging out with Chris again. Then, I was to meet my friend in a couple of hours.

The next morning, I woke up early and went to the beach to take my usual long walk. I saw Timmy's truck parked in the lot, but didn't see him with his cycling or old hippie buddies; he must had been on a ride. I walked the same stretch of beach that I used to 2 or 3 times a week with Miss Marley the mini-dachshund until her age retired her. I used to live right there in my beloved fishing village, which made it so easy to get there. It was a bit overcast, but the air was just right, and I strolled and inhaled the sea mist again and again. At the end of my walk, I perched on some rocks placed there to protect the shore, and I watched the water roll against and around them. I got sprayed and splashed occasionally, and I took it all in.

If I had a name for that scene, I joked it would be 'Mermaid Suns Herself on the Rocks.' I thought about the conversation where we joked Huck was conjured by a mermaid, and that we plunged into each other's worlds for a while. I quietly sat there and took it all in and looked across the ocean. I felt something stir inside, something like what I felt when I visited the bluffs of Sussex 2 summers ago. I felt so alive, grateful, and free.

Of course a part of me aches about Huck, but I was able to see that and past it. No, it didn't eclipse the better things in my life. I was still able to touch what's been going well in my life. Yeah, well there's always that 10% of the unexpected to expect happen (hah). I wonder what blowback I'll get about Huck, or maybe I won't get any. Maybe he becomes one of the beaus whose names I forget, or will I get some message months or years later: '...at least can we talk once in a while? You're kinda cool and funny, and I liked having you in my life.'

Beats me if I get the new job or not. Beats me if my damn work building will crumble, or whatever else will. I'm sure I'll have an enjoyable time with Chris for his visit (and I have zero interest whatsoever in having another long-distance thing like what I had with Huck; it's mostly playful and friendly talk with C. when we do talk and I want to keep it that way). I hope the damn manuscript project I blew the dust off of will turn out ok and that someone accepts it (it's not creative, it's professional and would bore nearly all of you). There's some travel that may be in the works (that doesn't involve visiting Brooklyn, hah, one of the things that got me was Huck didn't seem to want me to visit). Then there's the damn unexpected (and I shrug).

I guess I should get back to finishing the house cleaning, which goes with clearing out everything else in my psyche. So, so...

Era um, era dois, era cem
Era o mundo chegando e ninguém
Que soubesse que eu sou violeiro...

...Era um, era dois, era cem
E vieram prá me perguntar:
"Ô você, de onde vai, de onde vem?
Diga logo o que tem pra contar"
Parado no meio do mundo
Senti chegar meu momento.

Olhei pro mundo e nem via
Nem sombra, nem sol
Nem vento
Quem me dera agora eu tivesse a viola pra cantar
Quem me dera agora eu tivesse a viola pra cantar

downwind | upstream