Cafe Hitch-hike


What really was what

All I wanted or wished to know are the answers to these questions from Huck's end: what was real? What wasn't a grand game or con? Well, I probably won't get those answers whether he tells me or not. I certainly don't need to stick around like I had with some people in the past, wondering their intentions but having a clue, and getting a back-against-the-wall kind of confirmation down the road.

It just all just crushes me. There's facts I know and can consider, but what was real from his end? Did he show me something true within him that wanted to come out and had the chance, or was he using what we had as another painkiller for his miserable life? Was it both?

My mentor kindly reminded me that I expressed questions along the way and they never lost my sight. He gave me credit for taking them seriously especially as they started to add up. There's things we wonder about with a relationship, there's norms that gradually build between people, and there's also bumps on the way to making them. I had all of these things in mind, so at least I wasn't completely duped. He didn't take my money or identity, and hopefully nothing more than my body, emotions, and an awful lot of energy at this time.

I always thought I had decent judgment of people and could read people quickly. I still do, I suppose. And, people aren't always so predictable; how many of us acted or said things we never guessed we'd do? It took 3 months for me to really see what was what. That is typical with dating relationships. The first few months to a year is when most people see if something is worth continuing. They proceed or they abort.

I guess this is what happens when meeting a slippery person. They know how to go undetected, and they also know how to evade, deny, or have an emotional outburst if they feel they're about to be outed. They are able to do this because it's not visible and the longer they've done it, the more stealthy they get. I still think of that former colleague Little Mishie who had all of this down to an art along with passive aggression (one of her specialties); she literally made a career out of doing this for almost 20 years until her house of cards fell because of her issues. I sure hope Huck doesn't turn out that badly.

I guess what crushes me the most was... my heart saw one thing and it felt so real to me. Maybe love didn't cause this pain, but deceit and dashed expectations. It's just hard so know what really was what, and maybe I need to get comfortable with the fact that I may not get a clear answer (unless I want to stick around and get another harsh "back against the wall" type of confirmation that my impression was accurate).

downwind | upstream