Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-01-05

Go its way and take its course

I feel awful, and the covid tests are acting weird. PCR tells me I'm positive, the antigen test says negative. I feel tired, but at least a vegetable and herb concoction made me feel better and dried most of the goo in my respiratory system. It was an old world remedy with garlic, red onion, ginger, and lime steeped in boiling water and then consumed with honey. To my surprise, most people don't run from me when I don a mask at work.

I buried Marley (aka Puppy Dog) on New Year's Eve on a trail we'd hike in our community. It was a place where we've seen all kinds of critters including bunnies, foxes, and birds, so I thought she'd be in good company. I took some stones from outside my home and set them in a heart shape with a letter "M" in the middle. I then had a bouquet of flowers and placed those above the heart and set a tea candle light in the middle. I did it before sundown and sat there until the sun completely set. I was complete spent afterward and fell asleep.

My routine has been disrupted. That little dog really was everywhere in my life. When I wake up, when I go to sleep, when I get ready... I didn't realize how much she was there. It was weird to step outside without her leash in my hand, or to not refill her food or water. She really got me out and about, with going outside multiple times during the day.

I still remember holding Marley in my arms, her warmth, her gentle doggy smell, and the softness of her reddish brown hair. She looked cute when nestled in my arms, with her pointy nose and bright brown eyes peeking out from above my elbow. I thought about her life. She certainly had a cool life, we had a cool one and lots of adventures. Miss Marley was a great little buddy and companion. My nieces got me a little stuffed toy dachshund a long time ago, and I keep it on my bed. It reminds me of how she was usually a part of when I'd fix it in the morning (and hang out under the covers while I made it so she could burrow her way out and then nestle in the pillows).

Avery the neighbor came by on New Year's Day. He brought a bottle of wine and wanted to see the pup's site. We sat in the moonlight, drank the wine and talked about all kinds of things. It felt similar to the death of an actual person, I guess it was Marley's wake. He was generous with his attention and seemed sincere. When we returned to my place, I gave him a kiss in the kitchen which he happily returned. He looked at me as if to ask a question and I calmly said it wasn't the wine talking. I wasn't sure who led who to my bedroom, but we both were glad we ended up there.

He had a few surgical scars and we had the same one on our bellies from a similar procedure. I kissed my finger and ran it over his deepest scar. I felt the depression of skin and the ripples that healed the incision. Avery liked that. He had already done something similar for me.

I'm perked up though my body feels awful. I sometimes feel a warm, electrical current under my skin. I came back to work praying that it's a good year and for my career not to stress me out as badly as it had this past year and for quite a few of the years before that. A friend here was concerned that my job got in the way of my life and relationship satisfaction, and I embrace his observation. I don't want 2023 to do that to me. Poor Avery's a little concerned about how I physically feel (though I had to laugh that he wasn't worried about my recent covid, he asserted, "I'm immune!" and I suppose he would say that).

I feel like life is telling me to allow it to go its way and take its course. Do what I can, but let go of the rest. I'm not helpless, I don't feel like a victim or 'poor me.' (Surprised? Hahah). I don't know why, but there's something actually freeing about that, and I feel like it's a reminder from last year's surgery.

downwind | upstream