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Diaryland

2023-01-09

Times of joy even when they happened so soon after those of pain

Maybe it's the covid-brain talking (hahah), but it just seemed to come out best this way.

I was tired but didn't want to miss the dance. Avery picked me up wearing a nice suit, and I was surprised to see this different version of him. I always thought he was handsome but that night, he looked so polished and his smile was bigger than usual. It looked quite natural for him. I was underdressed in comparison.

I held his tie and liked its colors, it was a good pick. I knew exactly what I was going to wear instead although he said I looked fine. With a subtle tug, I led him to my changing area and said, "let me know if you like this one dress, I think it complements what you're wearing."

I got an email from Ms. Darla, a most lovely colleague (I do have a few of those here). She heard through her husband that I had covid and that my pup passed. We've always prayed for each other and literally held space over the years (my goodness, I guess it's almost 13 years here), and I cried when I read it.

The holiday season felt really heavy. Covid really threw me a curve- and screwball although I'm in excellent health. I figured my pet grief would hit me at a weird time; Avery was almost concerned that I wasn't in worse shape over that. I'm so grateful for my friends who have been there for me, and hopefully those tears can wash some of it away and their warmth re-energizes me.

We went to the dance and secured a nice sitting area with a sofa, 2 chairs, a view of the dance floor. We gladly shared it with a small group and it was quite chill. I looked at our reflection in the mirror with its sheen of the neon light and a bit of the smoke, we were an attractive pair.

Av really wanted to dance. I didn't know used to go clubbing in Manhattan back in the day. He wasn't kidding when he said he had been wanting to dance and it didn't take long for us to get into step.

They played the same music I'd hear in the clubs in Miami and I was quite surprised. I loved it and allowed its pulse to course through and shake me. There was something so exciting about remembering those times and having the music and vibe be in a different place. Once we had our fill, we returned to the sofa where we affectionately relaxed. Of course, I enjoyed every bit of it and could see he did. I amused myself by wondering whether he liked the dancing or sofa time more. I got my answer, he favored one slightly more than the other, which I gathered when he wanted to leave before midnight, and I was perfectly fine with that.

One of my work grand pubahs proposed a big task to me that made me tired only by reading it. It was one of those vertical climb thingies that was a big endeavor that needed to be handled by a team (and with a mover and shaker on it) and not a lone ranger (me, who is not a mover or shaker, or at least not in this building). A feeling of anxiety coursed through me, I felt tired, and then I wrote my response: "Here is what we should consider before undertaking this... Once this is one, this project will be more likely to have impact." The GP actually replied, "I appreciate your thoughtfulness. This task will be tabled until The Powers That Be discuss this further and decide on actions based upon your recommendation."

I felt that wonderful sense of being on The Sleeper Team (usually underdogs who are fundamentally sound at their game, but their chemistry, spirit and luck lead them to unexpected victories which they deeply embrace). Oh, please let me be on a Sleeper Team sometime soon!