Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-06-01

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I decided to decline the substitute middle pubah position. As I was going to tell my boss, they told me the upper brass decided to open it up for people in the building to self-nominate. I immediately said I was fine with that, and said I had ‘serious reservations’ about taking on the job.

It was certainly from me expecting the worse. I told the boss my fear was being alone and unsupported (just like I’ve been with a lot of other things in the 13 years I’ve been here). They assured me I wouldn’t be, their friends would help but they are theirs, not mine.

I also know I don’t win many popularity contests in a building where popularity is what it’s all about. Someone else more popular should take on the job. There are at lease 2 others who I know would be interested and I was glad for that, and they are more popular.

I’ve been feeling more anxious with my work for quite some time. I don’t really think that’s a bad thing. At first, I thought it was completely me and my own doing. No, it really has been stressful for quite some time. The things I write about here are not exaggerated and in a way, it’s really taken its toll on the morale in the building.

It’s also partly my head. I don’t go anywhere else. I’ll just go into another job and create the same crap, that’s why I never left the job.

But, it’s me in what I’ve let set in all these years. It’s no one but me and mine. All I can really do is let those fears and whatever complexes I have play themselves out, tire me out, and then I can be ok for it to cycle again. I’ve tried medical help which is ok, but maybe ok is all I can get. It’s what I tell Av, and he doesn’t think so. No, really, some things that are broken just can’t be fixed. LIke my job. Like me. Like my family.

I’ll just look at my new closet and kitchen and home, and let those be my anchors. All looks fine on the outside. I actually lost 10 lbs. (and really needed to). I was considered for a temporary promotion. Objectively, it’s fine. My head tells a different thing, but all I can tell myself is feelings don’t always reflect reality and to let it all play out. Just hold tight to the anchors and assure myself I’ll be fine after this storm in my head passes.

downwind | upstream