Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-11-01

I am the change I hoped for

First I feel a numb sense of denial. Things and people have been a certain way since forever and I got used to it, or found ways to cope. Something changed and I never, ever expected it. The facts sink in and gradually fizzle the denial. Then comes clarity like a sunrise. To be sure I'm not being delusional, I'll ask myself, "is that true?" more than once. I get confirmation, and then am undecided about whether I want to laugh or cry.

It's like a hard shell getting cracked open. It's feeling a slight burn from the shedding skin. It's from the pain of the disbelief being dispelled, or the movement of something inert for so long. Even when the change is good, there's a slight pain in the movement of the transition, sometimes also vertigo.

I want to cry for being able to release the sense of resignation. I'm just so surprised from the change. I thought something was dead, but it's not. Or, maybe it was reborn.

I found out that I am the change I hoped for. I bring the change I hoped to see. I thought someone else would bring it, but no, it turned out to be me.

I thought something was dead or hopeless, but no, it turned out not to be after all. Maybe what appeared to be dead was dormant or slowly growing until it was the right time to see the light of day.

It's a good change, and yet there can be a hint of grief for letting go of something much less. Sure, let me celebrate and embrace that end through the grief, recognize its part in my life, and then... truly live in the new.

downwind | upstream