Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-11-05

What we gave and received

It all goes deeper than I thought it would ever go, into a space of softness rather than guardedness.

In one of the local ayahuasca ceremonies, the round room where it took place was evenly divided. Men were on the east side of the space and women were on the west, and a lone female and male laid on the opposite sides. We recalled our waking dreams, and all of us thought about the roles women and men.

We all thought about we gave and received from each other, the strength men give to women and the warmth women give to men; the giving and receiving almost revitalizes each other. There was no imbalance, there was no one trying to establish dominance. Energy was reciprocated, and it felt all right.

In relationships where this was normal but didn’t go on for whatever reason, I felt a sense that I left more than I came with and that it was likely the partner did as well. I felt awful about it ending, but at least when I remembered, it was better things about it as opposed to me cringing.

I think about the times I felt that, I felt it more as I got older than I usually did when I was in my 20s. There was something nourishing throughout those exchanges. No, it wasn’t opportunistic or taking anyone for granted, it was just giving and receiving love in its various expressions: A yummy meal. Great coffee. Beautiful music. Watching a movie and cuddling, then dozing off. A pleasant surprise. A sweet conversation. A serious conversation. Being there for each other. Feeling open to each other.

Yes, there is something nice when someone takes care of me and when I can take care of them. I don’t have to be strong or smart all the time.

It all goes beyond what I’ve seen in the past, it actually has gotten better in a lot of ways.

downwind | upstream