Cafe Hitch-hike

2023-11-16

It turns into—

I never suspected I could speak the kind of language I’ve been speaking lately. It feels strange. I don’t bullsh*t people on purpose, but I do have to say things to… make it more palatable:

‘Please review that webpage and update the links, it’s pretty sloppy and unprofessional and it makes us look bad’, turns into, “the webpage needs updating. If you get this done, it will put you ahead for our big web page review that is coming in a few weeks (and all of that was true).”

I still have to give corrective feedback but have to be careful:

‘I feel frustrated with having to tell you to something for the fourth time,’ turns into, “if you are unable to do this task, please let me know and I can assign it to someone else.”

Then, if I’m assertive, I have do so verrrrrry carefully:

At least I said, “I decline to allow —-‘s request because we do not have enough time or personnel to fulfill it.”
I didn’t add, ‘Here’s another reason why. When we were young, we were told if you put out too quick, when they want it, and let them treat you any way whichever, don’t expect a shred of their respect. They think you a ho’ that can be used any time they want. If we fill that request, we’re that ho’ all over again.’

Sometimes it’s good just to keep my mouth shut and let the telepathy take over:

While someone claimed overwork, I thought, ‘you’ve been told by multiple people over the years that you overcommit yourself, it takes you a very long time to finish things, and you’re carrying the work of a slacker you work with. I hope you are able to prioritize, and find ways to manage your workflows and the slacker.’

‘(Later) Huh, ___ didn’t respond to my email and it’s been a while,’ I thought. ‘They were kind of a jerk in the past about never getting back to me. I sure hope that doesn’t keep happening now.’
Then, I get an email about a minute later.

Manterrupting and Intrusive Interrupting are real:

‘Did you just interrupt me? Yes, so I interrupted your interruption and was able to get my point across and contribute to the discussion. It seems you were eventually able to get your point across after all and without interrupting anyone again. Not sorry.’

I guess this is what this temporary gig has showed me. I’ve never had to bite my tongue like this. The power is a fragile balance and I don’t have all of it. The responsibility and rank gives a bit of this power, but the power is not indomitable. It never is and the minute I think it is, I’m probably a complete tyrant in a shitty place where everyone would be happier if I weren’t like that (or if I was gone), or I’m f*king delusional.

Being tactful keeps things stable. I have to be strong so the world doesn’t walk all over me (and like it did to my mother), and sometimes a certain silent type of strong to not stick out in the wrong way. Expectations include being professional, but warm. Be knowledgeable yet fit in. Be stable, but don’t be too flat. Be vivacious but keep it reined in. Know about things although no one tells you until something happens. Be critiquing but be kind. Being many things feels spinning plates.

Gee, I think I’m writing my own version of a Supertramp song.

Yet, I had to laugh. Political science and other social sciences back up what I have to say about power.

M. Right Hand Person, our collaborator, and I quietly were proactive about some decisions. We covered our bases, and our actions helped us dodge some bullets.

There’s awful things about the building and we are very limited in what we can do about it. MRHP gave me a report of recent weather-related damage and they didn’t want to report it at all because they had been reporting those things for years but with little response.

“I know you want to do your best,” I said, “and you are doing it.” MRHP is really good at what they do and cares. I wish The Powers That Be would fulfill their obligations to the building and MRHP’s best can be visible.

It’s weird how I’ve been rolling with this. All of this is probably typical for this gig. I try to make sense of things and then suggest an understanding of what could be tough situations. Do it in a way that doesn’t terrify but rather inform, give a heads up and everyone can feel they have more choices and weren’t left in the dark.

I thought I was gonna get skewered after passing on some so-so news to a department, but the conversation was civil and the questions they asked were very thoughtful. It ended on a good note.

It’s tiring. I guess I’m not doing badly. It take energy in a different kind of way and sometimes I’m energized and sometimes I am sapped. I know like MRHP, I want to do my best. I also recall that I don’t know many people in my role who expressed putting this kind of thought or concern into it. I know I need to (or sure hope to be able to) chill the fuck out at a certain point.

I also reminded myself that I’m doing this during a bat-shit crazy time. Times are weird for me and everyone else. I just got to co-pilot a rusted-out car that was fixed by duct tape, tarp, and WD-40. I guess when one’s got a clunker, the best thing is to navigate it the best I can, like the beat-up Chevy that was the first car I had. I knew what it was capable of doing (including driving through snow like a tank and getting me around town) and the family and I made full use of it. So, there we are.

downwind | upstream