Cafe Hitch-hike

2019-05-07

Another

It doesn't get easier with time. It feels more full, more acute. The initial dullness of loss is sharpened, and at a certain point, it just cuts like a knife. It's another loss, another separation, another goodbye. Another part of life that now has seen its time.

Juanita Jane was only my step-grandmother (my half-sister's maternal grandmother), but she really opened her heart to me. She welcomed me into her world and her life with an ease I don't see often in my adult life. I think she was so happy, also, to see that our father left Prisc with a sister so she wouldn't be alone. I wonder if maybe that was one of the things that influenced how she received me.

She gave a warmth in her love that I also rarely saw from family. I was just thinking... she wasn't the most worldly or booksmart of people, but that soul of hers was deep with love and kindness. Juanita shared all of that with me as if I were a full member of her family.

I wish I could had spent more time with her so she could teach me more of that... how to do what she did. When I formed my own Inner 'Buela (Grandma), I thought of her and what she would say or do.

Oh, how I wish there were more people like her in the world.

I can make my list from these past 2 years...

Remy (leukemia and chemo-related complications)

Stepfather (heart attack)

Grandma Lina (ruptured intestine)

Uncle Joe (colon cancer)

Grandma Juanita Jane (liver cancer)

A part of me still can't believe that Uncle is gone. I still think I'll hear my phone ring Axel F (his ringtone):

The other day, I imagined my mother using a walker and dressed the same as her mother towards the end of her life... wearing a yellow mumu and the age making her Native American features stand out even more. I imagined Mom in my condo, in her 80s, slowly stepping into the living room. She can easily look like that in 10 years or more. What would it be like to carry my mother to the end of her life (which is highly probable)? What would it be like to have to take care of her? How long would that have to be?

I used to think my biggest heartbreak was a romantic one, but it's not. It's from parting from those who brought love, friendship, and care to my life. It's having to say 'good bye' to those who are gone and won't come back. It's doing it again and again. It... accumulates. The losses add up.

I guess I better get my ass back to work matters, the day-by-day, the crap that drags and drags.

I often wonder about the people who have this one life to live, and choose to live theirs making others unhappy or being nasty. Why do I say this? Maybe it's because I'm starting to realize life's a valuable and precious commodity, one that shouldn't be squandered. It made me remember when I took a trip last year and saw how much happier their locals were compared to the ones around here. I even said that to Timmy while I was away, and he agreed.

I pray for my Grandma, the souls of those who parted, and our families. I also pray for those they left behind, and for them to be able to look ahead, and yes, see what we still have although someone is gone.

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