Cafe Hitch-hike


Sorry, Ms. Hutchins

Dear Attendees:

I am so sorry this content is dry. I understand that learning this is the equivalent (at least) of getting a tooth filled or a mammogram (at worse). Both things are important to undergo for wellness reasons, yes? Look at learning this content as the intellectual equivalent: things that are not pleasant at first, but learning it will be integrated into your memory to where you don't even remember (fully) the initial unpleasantness of the first time.

I wish I could bullet point this. I wish this/ these task(s) had an app, but it doesn't. Artificial intelligence doesn't have the capacity, at least not yet, to do this work for you. I wish there was a way I could ease your suffering, but I can't quite yet.

I wish this could be flashy. I wish it could get over 1 million views on Instagram. I wish it was sexy as bubble-shaped asses, flat-as-straw hair, luxury vehicles, or expressions of modern-day decadence, but it's not. I don't believe this lack makes this content completely unworthy of existence or attention, but hey, not everything is worthy for SnapChat or BuzzFeed.

I guess since this isn't fun or interesting, it shouldn't have to exist. I guess because I can't teach this while doing Cirque du Soleil aerialist manuevers or with a Bollywood production, this is unworthy.

I'm really laughing now because in 1985, my 8th grade English teacher Ms. Hutchins used to say, 'sorry I can't present this with lights flashing like MTV.' Now, almost 35 years later, I'm more or less saying the same thing. Then again, I almost never think about prepositional phrases or dangling participles that she presented.; I use them, but just don't think of them.

I have an answer to all of this. I will do the following to make this overly academic content interesting:

**I will wear 5-inch stilletto heels, dye my hair a glossy color, get some silicone in my lips, and don some eyelash extentions.
**I ordered a stripper poll and rope for my classroom so I can shimmy, climb, twist, and wrap.
**A fire expert from the theater department will have tiki torches and smoke machines near the podium, while a lighting expert will have laser lights.
**And, I will present this in digestable bites to make it simple and nonthreatening to you. Better yet, I'll bullet-point it for you.

I will not bore you with nuances or intricacies. Even if they are essential to know about the task at hand, the object is to make it as approachable and easy as possible! You don't need to know how to consider other influences, think creatively, or imagine other options to do this, no siree! An app should soon come out on how to do this. If you can't do it on an app, then surely a web page (written by God knows who) will explain it all. If neither are available, someone else who cares can bother with it!

Let me, in advance, apologize profusely for wasting your time, being a burden, and not stimulating you in the right way. I think I should just take my clueless ass back into my little office and surround myself with others who actually give two rips, and let you return to your phones and devices. After all, college is for hooking up, finding the best parties, and buying credentials.

In Solidarity,

Your Lecturer

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