Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-02-15

Everyone takes the same chances

Yikes, I suppose we're all going through some version of collapse alternating with hope or an occasional, unexpected blessing at this time!

I talked with some colleagues about a project today, and someone outside my unit mentioned the possibility that I was getting reassigned. Someone else also said that, so then I assumed the worse. One possibility was I'd return to my old unit which sounded awful. The other possibility was to go to another that has its own version of an interpersonal wreck.

I had to admit this likelihood is quite high. I've been flying solo for 2 years. I think the Powers That Be determined I can be more useful my assignment was shared with another unit that needs hands to put out their respective blaze. I felt pretty awful until I put the Valentine's Day roses in the vase and arranged them. I moved the celestial figurine I got from Rafael so it would be closer to the card that came with it.

On the flip side I got some kudos for some ideas that got rolling and for stimulating discussion, and just plain knowing what the fuck I'm doing.

And on the other flip side... Rafa. We know each other well to say the least. There's also new understandings that weren't there 2 years ago. I guess when 2 people really try to improve the weaker parts of themselves, it makes an interesting energy. Things are steps ahead from where we last picked up. This was rather unexpected and I'm still getting a foothold.

At first, I felt like a bit of a creep when the residues of the last relationship puffed in. I can honestly some of the residues are my deal (while some fade with time) and I needed to do more to put them in their place.

When I feel guilty, I keep in mind that people leave their mark if they touch us in certain ways. Even if they're physically not there, something about them stayed behind. This happened with Rafael. When he started coming to my house right before the pandemic began, he brought a warmth that never went away. I thought he left a little of himself behind and I liked it even when we were apart.

In that same vein, Huck left a mark on me with his brand of warmth.
I loved Huck better because of what Rafa left me, and I loved Rafa further because of what I got to see with Huck. But, at this point I should do an Eckart Tolle and "be in the now" (which apparently resolves every personal demon). His suggestion to remain fully in the present is quite sensible. I guess what also makes it tough was it all started just over a year ago.

This is definitely an unfamiliar dance, this is unfamiliar territory. But, Rafa has usually been a good travel partner, literally and through life. Sometimes I'm so nervous about the chance, but at least I know why and remind myself that everyone takes the same chances.

downwind | upstream