Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-03-01

When we make plans...

I had a nice talk with my Mom last night. She was having some technical issues with her cheap-ass mobile, which I figured. We did the safety check and called around because she wasn't answering. However, Mom didn't realize how close we were to the 5-year mark of when her ex-husband/ father to 5 of her kids died. I told her my sisters reacted the way they did because they were afraid of the same thing happening to her, where she went under the radar for like their dad who had a heart attack at home. She then understood. I learned at least 2 of my sisters also have anxiety issues, and I could see why they did what they did.

So... plans are underway to repeat last year's camping trip. As much as we loved the place near our happy places, it was a bit restrictive. No one gave us trouble, and the campsite owners came by to hang out for a little bit (the drunken wife gave my mom a hug because my mom is like that, very huggable). We all giggled on the first night as we slept in tents and Sis BM played Taps at night while we laid in our tents. She was nestled with her son and our nephews, I was with my Mom in one, and Bre and her son were in another.

Anxiety has been my steadfast friend, and it was only recently where I thought, "I need to stand in front of my fear!" I went to my friend's for another sanpedro session, and fear appeared to me. It stood next to me as a wisp of black smoke, and then it swirled and became large, taking the shape of a demon. I was scared at first, but then I thought, "wait, this is only smoke!" If it was smoke, it was just that, smoke. Just drifting particles in the air that took a certain shape. I could blow through it, walk through it, anything! It really couldn't touch me or contain me. Maybe the sanpedro was trying to tell me that fear is really only something in our imagination that took a shape, maybe was visible, but really couldn't do more than leave a reside.

My maternal grandmother appeared to me again. She does appear at times with sanpedro or when I journey. Every time I see her, I image her in her mid- to late-80s with long, straight salt and paper hair wearing a turquoise Native American top and some dangly earrings that she loved to wear. Her skin was naturally caramel-colored, and she had high cheekbones, an aquiline nose, and very Native features (her great-grandfather was in fact a leader of a regional band of Apaches). Every time I see her, she is overjoyed to see me and can't wait to hold me close. This time, I stood in front of her and she looked in my heart. My heart swelled, it instantly reflected something back to her. She held me more tenderly, a tenderness I didn't recall seeing much of, and it came back to me like her heart mirrored something to me. Before we knew it, we both held that same feeling.

Maybe this was the love she wanted to give me when she was alive, but either didn't know how or something held it back. Maybe I wouldn't have felt so fearful if I felt this earlier, or maybe the fear that always lingered with me blocked it. They always say love conquers fear and yet fear blocks love.

I kind of of had plans for certain plans, but we all know what The Universe or God does when we do that: they laugh. I was content with not going anywhere, getting overlooked, and just doing my own thing in my building, just when I was starting to be glad to fly under the radar--

"Ms. __, I'd like to discuss an opportunity with you. Can we have a virtual chat at ___ a.m. today?"

Ohhhhhhh fuck. I think my days of flying under the radar are ov-ah. The 2 rumors I heard were true: I was going to be reassigned, or given the 'opportunity' to get reassigned into a different unit.

I wonder which it will be. A parent of our division head recently died, and maybe they decided to retire early (the latter has been very common lately). Maybe I'll be asked to join a unit that's been a bit of an interpersonal and technical dumpster fire and they'll put my 'engineering' skills to put them out. We also had a resignation this week and I know we'll be seriously fucked without that person. I know nothing about that area, but gee, I'm a quick learner as I demonstrated with my position of 2 years (*cries quietly in my seat*).

My problem is I do my best or better work when no one tells me what to do or how to do it, hahaha.

downwind | upstream