Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-06-01

It's awkward

I wish things were different right now, but they're not. So Carlo got put into hospice and it's awkward. Rafael and I have been avoiding each other for weeks now and it's awkward. I'm giving the impression I want to be left alone and it's awkward.

Giving the impression. I guess I'm sitting with this pain of the impending loss of a friend, and I guess it's not easy because I have no idea what to do. We could banter like there's not a problem but it doesn't feel right. I don't want to have these 'when you pass' conversations with him. He didn't even want to hear me out when I recommended he approve the daily nurse visits, and I can't even get on assuming why. All I said was it was a good idea for someone to check on him in case something happened (and he was having more and more difficulty to the point where it was getting difficult to walk), knowing he had a lot of pride and was fiercely independent.

Carlo said I've been avoiding him, and he is right. I have been at times and it's unkind. I acknowledge it was hard to see him in bad shape when I visited almost 3 years ago. It was hard to hear the pain he was in and how the treatments just didn't seem to be working anymore, and that he was in one battery of tests and hospital visits after another. I felt like a complete bitch for thinking he could consider stopping treatment, but that came from what I've witnessed or what others told me. This is the other side of friendship, when one is there for losses and ends.

Uncle Joe and my birth father were ready to go and accepted their ends (and they both had end-stage cancer). Joe surprised me because I assumed he'd fight it tooth and nail, but he listened to his body. My former beau Remy (also who had a form of cancer) tried and tried, though he was realistic and not afraid to acknowledge his state. Carlo has been different than all of them. I understand my friend College John's mother was also different. She fought and was angry and bitter about it to the very end.

Giving the impression. I've been avoiding Rafa and he's been avoiding me, and neither of us are very happy with the relationship as it is. I think we are much better as friends. Yeah, I can definitely take blame for certain things (or responsibility, acknowledge my part). I thought I was ready for a relationship but I wasn't, even one with him. There's that, and 2 people or even one person shouldn't have to change big parts of themselves for a relationship. We do know each other very well, yet It's no different than meeting someone awesome but realizing you're not the ones for each other. No meanness intended, it just wasn't a firm match for both people.

Giving the impression. I'm one weird bird. Yeah, well I've been writing about that on these pages for years, yes? I feel confused and am in pain, so I hide until I could untwist myself. I'm responsible for getting myself out of this. I can't bring others down or dump all my garbage on their doorstep (so here I am instead). Times are crazy and I'm already intense to handle. I get this way during holidays and random instances of stress (not always, hah). I try to speak and it feels like no one hears me. I try to speak, or I say the wrong thing and make people pissed (or confused). I try to repeat myself and the problem is probably my deal (meet me halfway? Hah). I need to think, feel, or do something differently.

Giving the impression. I guess it's been much easier for me to keep quiet and to myself for so many reasons. Maybe there is a rhyme to my reason. I really may be that crazy and am doing people a favor by staying to myself.

I'm also heading back to the hometown in 2 weeks. I still don't want to go, a part of me would rather run the opposite direction. But, I had such good times in the visits these past 3 years and I have to remind myself that again and again. Yeah, there's a chance there will be a scrape just like there's a chance I can catch up with others and enjoy being together. Yeah, there's a chance my sisters might (verbally/ psychologically) brawl because some of them don't get along, just like there's the chance we'll have a memorable time. My family (and origins) are a double-edged sword like every other fucking thing in my life. Now I think I see why I avoided all of that for so long. Running from it was just as hard as living with it.

The assurances: I thought about the times I was at the campsite and felt great to breathe in the cooler air surrounded by maple trees and little hills. How great it felt to feel the mud under my shoes and to look up at the sky in Michigan's unique shade of summer blue (and clouds, it's quite cloudy). I had a cup of coffee and a toke at dawn and watched the day brighten through the trees. I thought about the time I drove through some old neighborhoods on the way to meet my nephew and sister for lunch, thinking 'damn, what a trip this has been.'

I may be able to see friends along the way. Oh, yes... that was something I often enjoyed with these trips and there's something to hold onto. I can do that as long as I'm not feeling radioactive.

More assurances: there's always crap at work to keep me busy. At least I'm good at that. I usually feel better when I'm busy so I can duck out on this thicket I'm in right now. I just need to keep moving and keep busy, and wait for all of this to pass and at the same time, mess it up in attempts to untwist things.

downwind | upstream