Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-06-10

Trust fall

As I deliberated who would manage my stuff if I pass away before others in my circle, I felt a strange feeling. I realized I was about to ask my mother and my younger (half-) sister to take care of matters if I leave this earth before them. I felt like I was falling backwards and hoped I would be caught, or that I would somehow fly or float.
I didn't like the feeling at all. It scared me but I realized I had very little choice. The only ones I really had were in the processes of making my decisions, deliberating with the attorney, and signing the final documents.

I could had asked friends to do this, but I felt less comfortable asking them than I did my family. I also made the choice to not ask my half-sister Princess to do it; we had drifted apart these past few years, and I didn't want to burden her. She already lost the main people in her life and the last thing she needed was to handle the matters of another loved who one passed away.

I am still sitting with the feeling. I have to trust that my mother and sis Big Momma can do it and can follow my wishes. I hardly ever trust them with anything, and now I trusted them with my end-of-life matters! Talk about a ginormous leap, right? I am hoping this will not bring ugliness among them. Maybe that was why I decided to split everything evenly among my mother and siblings. Ultimately, I had to embrace that whatever happens, it's out of my hands after a certain point.

Once the documents were drafted, I separately talked to my mother and BM who agreed to their roles and my wishes after I explained them. They briefly thought it over and didn't hesitate. I sensed it was hard to hear in some ways but they said they were glad we were doing this. The each mentioned separate problems that happened when someone died and felt I was making a good choice, even down the part where I said no resuscitation or life support.

I realized my request of them was as real if not as complicated as things can get. I hardly ever ask them for anything, and here I was asking for a lot. My family are simple people who prefer to keep things simple, and asking this would be complicated. They agreed to do this, at least, and I guess they may learn. But, I can always change my mind and pick others to do this if it will be a problem.

I didn't tell them specifically what would be included in terms of what they would get. If they got $100 out of it, they'd be content. With that in mind, I cryptically said, "it will make you smile a little." I didn't even tell them how I divided it.

Whatever I may have left... I also had to accept that my fortune could change along with my health. Things aren't too shabby now, but fortunes can change. What about other things that change? A friend told me we really can't choose the way we go like furniture or a preferred car, and I guess that's one of the things we cannot control or predict (for the most part, anyhow).

At least now I know that once the documents are final and signed, things are handled. My house will be sold, bills will be paid, and maybe my family will get a little bit of change if I leave.

I actually feel a bit stunned that I'm taking these steps to say the least.

downwind | upstream