Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-07-18

Back and forward and back to now

It was quite the emotional week last week. I decided to finally get to work on finalizing my will by securing 2 witnesses and making the appointment. We all showed up, signed papers in a do-si-do around the attorney’s conference table, and I was satisfied.

Before I go any further, I want to clarify I am alive, healthy, and well. No, I am not experiencing suicidal thoughts or ideation. Planning these matters happened for a variety of reasons, and with the recent passing of my friend who only left verbal wishes that probably can’t be acted upon.

The attorney also advised me to outline my wishes for my final arrangements, and that was the heaviest part to get through. As I wrote down my wishes, I acknowledged the word wishes. I really can’t control if they’d be followed, but at least my family (or whoever handles my matters) will know what’s what. I also did those, and felt myself feeling very uncomfortable towards the end. When I saw my mentor last week, I cried about multiple things, and especially this. It would make anyone feel very unccomfortable to go through the process, and at times it was frightening. Was I being dark, depressive, obsessed with death?

My answers were ‘not really,’ again. I guess a part of me felt fright because I wondered if doing this was— hastening it or telling the universe I wanted it or to come for me. No wonder why people don’t want to plan these matters. But, I did just shy of my 49th birthday. I did this towards the end of the shadow of a few who passed away. I also did it because my friend, the Texas Steampunk King, who was only 4 years older than me, died in his sleep (it was an aneurysm) and appeared perfectly healthy. I very much want to live! I guess I did this so things won’t be so hard for those I leave behind whenever that time may be.

As I talked about this with my mentor, he told me about a “Last Lecture” series that he had done when he worked in a medical school. It was from a professor who organized talks for people that are intended to be the last lecture they give before they pass away. My mentor told me my exercise was a bit of my own own last lecture.

So, the will was signed in the little house-turned-office that belonged to my attorney. Two trusted people witnessed and they were casual about it (one wore a faded ‘JAWS’ movie t-shirt), but respected what was being done. I took them out for a good Italian lunch at a local eatery and we laughed with the shop owners while we waited for our simple dishes.

In a funny turn of events, I went to the dating site where I decided to venture. Rafael was the only person I really had a longer term relationship through those sites, and I realized they were best to build momentum for finding someone face-to face (where I have far better success). I came across one profile that was interesting, it was a quirky guy with dark eyes and hair. As I read further, I noticed “In town for the summer”. Ok, then I looked at more pics, the frame of his glasses were familiar, and then I connected the dots.

I choked with laughter and surprise. It was Petey, the older brother of Huck. I had seen pictures of Petey but didn’t realize he and his brother wore the same frame. Petey, from what I understood, was charming, flighty, and about to be divorced. I always figured he was the cool brother who Huck looked up to. I instinctively swiped left, but then pondered…

…I never really knew if Huck told others about me, and he was very close to his brother. I wondered if I messaged Petey that he’d know who I was. But, I’m sure all of that would bring a world of drama whether or not he knew (and probably more so if it all came to light). I laughed to imagine dating 2 brothers, and it led me to wonder if Petey had any of Huck’s intimate enthusiasm or if we’d have similar chemistry (that’s really bad of me, but I couldn’t help but wonder). As for me, I’m a woman who prefers low drama, so I’m glad I swiped. I also had to admit I’m still a little startled to think of it.

My brother-in-law got in touch with me, and he had been doing that I noticed with others in the family. He and my sister had a bitter divorce about 9 years ago, but they say they forgive each other and only care about their family. I learned some things about their family unit when they were married, and my sis Big Momma (who was married to him) told me some things in secret about their relationship (nothing horrific, thank God, but things I’ve heard about in the relationships of others; what can I say, marriage and relationships really are as real as life can get).

BBK had been with my sis BM since she was 16. I pieced together one part of their relationship, but didn’t see the other half until recently. However, those 2 really held each other up. My sister really encouraged him to do more with himself than what he was doing at that time, and he protected her (something we all kinda lacked). I’d say they tried the best the can.

I used to talk to BBK about God and life, and he was a very caring person deep inside. He wasn’t the sharpest in terms of book smarts but extremely astute with people and street knowledge. It was nice to hear from him because memories of those times, when I was starting out, when he and my sister were starting out, came back to me. Maybe those 2 and I took turns holding each other up.

I think I wrote about it here, but when I was 19 and just starting out on my own, I got really depressed. It was my first winter on my own. I went to his house for a family visit feeling really, really low. He had been partying a bit and we talked about God. He blurted to me about life, and that suicide was a sin, and I felt like he looked at me straight in my soul when he said that, and he said it multiple times. I was feeling that, and sometime before or after he said that, a male co-worker also gave me a similar message. I guess I remember BBK so well because that message (despite being coaxed by Remy Martin) hit me at the core. But, attached to that was his concern, observation, and knowing.

BBK lives in the house he and my sister bought 18 years ago through a private owner who they befriended. I think about where we all were when we started and where we are now. Yeah, BBK was in the background for when I started out, at the ground level just as I was for his and my sister’s. I gave my daily thanks with more gusto because his reaching back to me showed how far we all had come.

downwind | upstream