Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-08-27

We are who we are

I wait for my food at a donut shop. I don't do the sit-down breakfasts as much which shows in my waistline and my wallet. Plus, I feel a little financially dry with the big bills I had this summer.

The semester started with its usual dance of disarray. We are very short staffed. My area isn't as bad and I was used to doing shit on my own anyhow so it didn't affect me as much. The finish line is near on the project from Hades, and I am trying to detach and apply the Ho'Ponopono prayer the best I can. It's been my mantra lately.

But, I started my new training program and... what a breath of fresh air! I need that program. The class is full of people like me who want to upgrade their cred and they also have regular jobs. I'll definitely be learning things I need for my profession and the new one I hope to spring into (brothel madame in case you wondered, hah! Perhaps I would need that program if that profession became legal in the States).

It felt interesting walking to the class. I need my old backpack for my stuff, and there was something about that strut that made me feel so at ease. It was like that dream I had where it was autumn in NYC and I left my brownstone unit to head to my college, donning the J. Crew barn jacket that was so popular when I was an undergrad. The interesting part of that dream was I walked up and down the side of a chapel on the campus and continued my walk, feeling safe at dusk.

I met another damn lookalike at the community pool. My friend who was with me later said the chemistry between me and the guy was-- noticeable and joked why we didn't exchange numbers. Yeah, he looked like someone I liked a lot (and yeah, the sex was consistently remarkable). I guess I was very happy to see them again. I had to tell myself later it was a different person and not the original but I always like those gentle reminders! I also guess the secret to initiating flirting is to imagine the person was a hot person I used to know.

I was once told during an aya ceremony that I misunderstand myself and my energy, and it was true. Little things tap me on the shoulder that try to direct me to a different understanding. There are things about myself I never fully embraced or accepted as they were; I tried changing them into something else or altering them.

I thought about the kind of kid I was. My mom knew me well (I was her kid, personality wise and I was her mini-me besides), but she really didn't know what to do with a kid that had her robust energy but also in mentaland creative ways (and was sooooo clumsy with it though I did lots of cool things). I still have it though the clunky parts are smoothed. I don't literally trip over my own damn feet like I literally did as a kid.

I remembered the way I was when I saw Jens Copperas 3 years ago (he was my first love who I met when I was 17 and again 28 years later). We both weren't much different in 2019 as we're in 1991 and it was really, REALLY something to see that. I guess in some core ways, we are who we are.

downwind | upstream