Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-08-29

The fucking rules are not my rules but the rules that rule your deal

Dear Little Old Lady with an OK Idea:

I agreed to help you write a proposal with certain requirements. When they say “requirements,” it means the people who consider the proposal will deep 6 the bitch if it is missing certain things.

No, they are not my rules. I am sorry someone else had to explain them to you and that they had to spend their time badgering the charity to get the information that I gave you. These are the rules set up by the charity, Rich Wives of Xanadu, Inc., whose proceeds for select parties fund proposals like yours.

Oh, yeah, it looks like Rich Wives of X, Inc. hires some pretty capable people to run their charity, and these people know what they’re doing so the ladies can spend their time party planning and appearing in local society pages at their shindigs.

I know this project is your dream. I know this is your big goal and you would leave this life muy contenta if it happens. But, the fucking rules are not my rules but the rules that rule your proposal. If they said they want a 990 form from the IRS, they mean a 990 form and no substitutes. Like I said, not my rules but theirs.

In the pie-in-the-sky chance you are able to get me the required documents by September 8, I will then write the rest of your proposal. The likelihood of your proposal getting money is as likely as me getting married (my chances of getting struck by lightening are better), but hey, I do enjoy talking to you and your company, and think you’re pretty neat-o Just get me the damn documents already if you want me to proceed! ~~HH

Dear Applicant Who is Applying for Something:

We are not responsible for your ability to follow deadlines but we are for telling you they exist and when they are. We are not responsible for your ability to find documents and organize them in a way you see fit, but we’re in the business of information and we’re baffled if you have trouble with that. We are not responsible for writing the things you’re supposed to write, but we did outline what was expected in them and went so far as to give you samples so you have a flashlight in the dark. But the strangest thing is you’ve done this more than once, both as and applicant and a member of this group. We kinda feel like you’re yanking our chain and acting very unprofessionally (especially considering that you know what is supposed to be done).

It is our fault, of course. We apologize in advance for not telling you how to arrange your time to get the work done. We apologize in advance for not writing your documents for you. We apologize in advance for following guidelines made by others who had no understanding of your workload or all you’ve sacrificed for our organization.

We apologize in advance for not openly cheering you on to boost your esteem to motivate you to make deadlines. We apologize for not being there to be sure you breathe air, blink your eyes, or digest your food. We apologize that a Hispanic was one of a few to review your application and give feedback, but what to they know? All they had to do was show up and check the right box to be here.

We apologize that you’ve missed most of the deadlines and did not consider your feelings at all. But, you don’t need to worry about what we say about your application because everyone knows most of what goes on in this building comes down to a popularity content and you’re as decorated with wins as a pro South American pageant contestant! How dare we not remember that!

Well, with all honesty, the fucking rules are not our rules but the rules that rule your deal. We were just your tour guides who showed you what was what, pointed out things, and tried to kindly advise what not do to. We had no idea you’d actually do what we asked you not to do, like hang your arm out of the tour bus window and get it bashed by oncoming traffic. I’m sure we were responsible for holding you down or keeping the windows locked, but I digress. I’m just so sorry things turned out to be such a let down for all involved.

In solidarity, The Group

Feeling like a complete bitch for things people asked of me, but just didn’t fill their ends of the deal. If Little Old Lady’s thing falls through, then I can say I helped a lady’s documentary get funded! If Applicant’s thing falls through, then I can say they are seriously lucky and radioactive materials can roll off their back. My mentor says people have to play the bad guy when they draw lines, but it must be done somehow. *Sigh*. I sure with I had a song to go with this one!

downwind | upstream