Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-11-02

For what it's worth

He came to my dreams two nights in a row. In the first dream, he abruptly ran to me and was acting disturbed. I didn't know if he was drunk, stoned, or having a mental breakdown, all of which were equally likely. He was slimmer than I remembered, his hair had more gray, and he didn't look well (which has happened more than once when I dreamed of him). He wanted me but he was in the middle of an episode, and his brother drifted around the periphery.

I tried to talk to him, but he didn't hear me (or, ignored me or was incapable). He held me briefly, and I could feel an undertow of mutual desire, but I let him go and then he acted disturbed again. I couldn't make out his words, I didn't know what he was getting at, and his brother didn't do anything but look on and play on his phone though he seemed aware of what was happening. I felt very upset, sad, and very confused.

There was nothing I could do, he was way in his state. I slowly stepped away from him, and he followed me for a little while until he and his brother faded away.

In the second dream the next night, he was with some kids and they were taking a hike around my house which was near a downtown park and very public area. I didn't see it as much of a coincidence they were there. I grumbled and closed my curtains, and tried to stay quiet until I knew he and the kids were gone.

But, there was a parade scheduled on the street nearby and a festival was going on. I then had some relatives visit my house, but there he was again with the kids who were freely wandering around the space around my building. I felt better about having my family over and eased into their company, which included my mother and my deceased stepfather's mother, but then he and a couple of the kids entered my house to use the restroom and get water to drink. I avoided him and waited until they made their way out of the house.

I then saw myself outside of the house, locked out and I had to get back in. I encountered him as I unlocked my house and reluctantly engaged with him, saying few words.

I don't know what he said, but he was very glad to see me and appeared like he really had something to say. I could only feel a combination of my hesitance, a desire to run, yet wanting to talk but feeling like it would not do a damn bit of good. I also thought to myself, 'he seems so sincere, but I really can't trust what he has to say, can I? What good would it do? Do we just need to say what we need to say to have our peace, or is this another part of the deception he was so good at spinning?'

I opened my door but was not about to let him in. I could see my mother and step-grandmother were in my living room (and my mother decided she wanted to rearrange my stuff while I was out, which I didn't like). I told him I would always love him and that never changed despite all that happened between us. I could feel that was true, but yet I felt pain. I loved someone I couldn't trust and I was sure he still loved me, and yet I still loved him the same.

After I woke up and went about with the early morning, I figured this is what lingers about Huck: all I can do is really accept him and everything on their own terms, and that it was a certain way. We both got a lot out the relationship and more than what we bargained for. But, it didn't mean I had to engage with it or with him. Just accept what we had, what couldn't be changed, and to know that difference to rip off the Serenity Prayer (or Meditation).

This didn't come out of the blue. Avery said something interesting on Halloween night. He admitted he still loved his ex-wife although they had their rough times and she didn't want much to do with him. It made me think that people can do really awful things and do awful things to each other, and yet it's so strange how a piece of that love somehow remains inside. I've been an asshole and others have been assholes towards me, but I can sometimes detect love between us even when the relationship expired long ago. Yeah, there's people I refuse to talk to for my own reasons, but there's still love. I think I understood his and his ex-wife's sides of that.

"The love doesn't go away even if things ended," I calmly said, and for what it was worth. Then, I had these dreams.

downwind | upstream