Cafe Hitch-hike

2022-11-27

It can be different

Thanksgiving turned out to be a challenge. Someone else's unhappiness bit into me even though I felt all right (until then). Things started out ok until I was able to bow out of my visit a day early: they also got sick and didn't tell me one of their grandkids had strep and RSV. I was quite disappointed because I really looked forward to the visit. I also know if I did that to them (not tell them beforehand thay someone was sick), they would be furious with me, so I thought that was very inconsiderate.

I'm supposed to visit a friend who is in town tomorrow and they asked me to be gentle, they are having a tough time. I tried to kindly say let's be glad we can see each other again since it's been 3 years. At least my friend asked me to lower my expectations.

Maybe I should give that warning when I feel that way, but I prefer to hide than let my presence puzzle, upset or disrupt something.

Multiple people in my virtual circle expressed intense sadness for the holidays with separations, broken family relationships and loneliness. It seemed this year some people weren't up to faking much of anything.

I decided to stay home for the holidays. I will catch up with family during less stressful times of the year. Besides, holidays consistently bring out the worse in me. Maybe I will do what I did last year and invite other solo acts over for drinks, a snack and some music, and pray nothing blows up in my face ile when Timmy made a pass at my neighbor).

I often had nice visits to Texas for the holidays but things changed. I also guess a part of it was realizing it started taking more out of me than what I was giving. Since Jimbob, the TX Steampunk King and Uncle Joe are no longer there, it also doesn't feel the same. I also grew tired of entertaining myself while my sister hid in her bedroom and behind her phone which was normal during visits (and Rafael thought was very strange). If my sister didn't need me around or she was going through her thing, I should be elsewhere. Or, maybe I am just a terrible presence during the holiday, I need to own up to that, and make plans accordingly.

It depresses me because holidays only magnify the many anomalies I grew up with. I think I said it here but I stay far away from certain people during the holiday because things got so unpleasant with them in the past. I guess a lot of my relatives carry their own holiday wounds and drown them in various ways. There was something scathing about the fights they had during this time of the year, and equally so that I felt very powerless about it.

So, I grasp the power I do have. I've had at least 2 holidays spent with a puzzle, movies, Chinese takeout, and visits from another outcasts.

Then I hope for a Christmas miracle like when I met Detroit John. We met at a Christmas gathering one year and we met again when I went to it the following year. It was a low point of the year and when we met I felt much better, I think we both did. It almost sounded like a Hallmark holiday special but my version (hahah). I can only hope.

And, I think of how my former Big Boss sensed my lack of holiday cheer. He gave me a glass bluebird called The Bluebird of Happiness, and his gesture did lift me. I still have them and they are in my home office.

Anything is possible, yes. I also guess the thing to do is open myself to the possibility that holidays can be different.

downwind | upstream